Lord of the 'Gate
by hobbitgirls
Summary: UPDATED! The hobbitgirls & friends go to Gondor for the coronation, only to find Sg-1 (from Stargate) there too. Insanity insues! (Don't need to watch Stargate to read!)
1. Default Chapter

Chapter 1: Many Meetings  
  
A/N~ OK, as you know from the prologue of sorts, we've written several LotR fics, but never a crossover or Stargate fic. Therefore parts of this fic maybe a little rocky. First chapter is in my (Christy's) POV. Also all typing on this fic is by Christy (And I obviously stole the title from Tolkien ^.^ Go me!).  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Me: *Holds up cookie* Who is your Elf Goddess?  
  
Aragorn and Boromir: Christy.  
  
Me: Who owns everything?  
  
Aragorn and Boromir: You and Vanessa.  
  
Me: *Gives them each a cookie* Good boys. See, we own everything, they said so themselves.  
  
"EEEEEEE!!!!" Vanessa squealed over the phone. "I can't believe that we're going to Aragorn's coronation! My Hott-And-Sexy-Ranger-With-A-Nice-Butt (HASRWANB) is gonna be my Hott-And-Sexy-King-With-A-Nice-Butt (HASKWANB)!"  
  
"I know! You've only said that 5 million times in the last 5 minutes!" I retorted. "Now hurry up! We're supposed to meet Gandalf at Kitty's house in 10 minutes!"  
  
"Crap!" she muttered and hung up.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Do I have to go?!" Alex whined.  
  
"Yes," I answered. "Now, shut up!"  
  
"For the love of Ilúvatar, all of you be quiet!" Gandalf shouted scaring the rest of us quiet. 'The rest of us' included: myself, Vanessa, Kitty, Courtney, and Alex, who was not too thrilled to be included (he has something against LotR). "Are you all ready?" (A/N~ Here Vanessa wrote in our spiral "No, I need to pack more underwear!" I have to ask; we're at Kitty's house, where the heck is she planning on getting that underwear?!)  
  
"Yes," we chorused.  
  
"Good. Let us go then."  
  
Instantly we were in Minas Tirith being greeted by the Fellowship.  
  
"Haldir!" I screamed and ran into his arms. "I can't resist an Elf in uniform," I giggled before he kissed me.  
  
Vanessa did her now traditional greeting of Aragorn.  
  
"Vanessa! Let me breathe!" Aragorn gasped out as she hugged him overly tight. "It's good to see you too, but killing the soon-to-be-King of Gondor is punishable by death, you know."  
  
"Sorry," she mumbled and that was all she could get out before he silenced her with his mouth.  
  
Kitty was already in Legolas's arms while he was trying to make sure that he didn't hurt their soon-to-be 'bundle of joy'.  
  
Courtney was sitting on the floor so she'd be more eye-level with Pippin, talking to him.  
  
Alex just stood there being thoroughly bored. "Did I have to come?" he asked Aragorn after everyone had finished 'greeting' each other.  
  
"Yes," Gandalf answered, trying to get closer to Alex.  
  
"Gross! Stay away!" Alex shuddered and moved away.  
  
"Where are you taking us?!" we heard a woman demand, receiving no answer that we could hear.  
  
"That voice sounds familiar." Courtney said. "But I don't know from where."  
  
"This castle is fascinating!" a male voice exclaimed. "It looks like medieval English construction, like the supposed Camelot!"  
  
"Daniel!" Kitty and I shrieked and ran towards the voices. When we reached SG-1 we stopped and waited for everyone else to show up.  
  
"What's going on here?" Aragorn asked one of the guards holding Jack.  
  
"We caught them coming out of the circular device that you brought back from Haradwaith on one of your journeys," the guard answered. "We were taking them to the dungeons until they could be brought before you as minions of Sauron."  
  
"'Minions of Sauron'? Vanessa scoffed. "Aragorn, they are no more 'minions of Sauron' than I am. Let them go." When he didn't reply, se whined, "Pleeeeeeeaaase?"  
  
"If I released them the four of you who seem to recognize them must take responsibility for whatever they do," Aragorn replied. The four of us girls quickly agreed and Jack pushed his guards away.  
  
"It's about time," Jack muttered. "See, Carter, I told you that screaming would work," he told his second-in-command sarcastically.  
  
"Sorry, sir," she apologized.  
  
"You're forgiven, major, as long as you tell me where we are. This does not look like the new Tok'ra base to me!"  
  
"And how do you four know who we are?" Daniel asked, looking at us strangely.  
  
"You're in Middle-Earth," I answered Jack's question first.  
  
"Fascinating," Daniel breathed.  
  
"And, to answer you're question," I turned to face Daniel, "We're from the U.S. too and we know about the SGC. Don't ask how," I interrupted Sam before she could finish her question. "Because we won't tell."  
  
"So, now that we know where we are, why is there no DHD here?" Jack asked.  
  
"I.I-- Actually, I have no idea, sir," Sam admitted. "I guess that it didn't get brought with the gate from wherever they brought it from."  
  
"Well, now that you're here, enjoy yourselves!" Kitty cried, hugging Teal'c. "Oh, yeah. Mr. Enthusiasm here keeps it all on the inside." Teal'c looked at her and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Does being in this place make one go insane?" Teal'c asked Vanessa, who, for the most part, had been quiet during the whole encounter.  
  
"No, they're (she pointed at Kitty and me) are always like this, whether we're on Earth or in Middle-Earth," she answered, rolling her eyes.  
  
"And we're stuck with them?" Jack asked sarcastically.  
  
"Yep!" I smiled and waved at him for no reason.  
  
"So, since they're not staying in the dungeons, where is everyone sleeping?" Courtney spoke up for the first time.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"She gets a room with Haldir; why don't I get a room with Aragorn?!" Vanessa whined, clearly unhappy about the room arrangements.  
  
"Because it would be improper for the King of Gondor to share quarters with a woman he is not married to," Boromir answered (Yes, he's still alive and will remain so.).  
  
"But.you're letting everyone else!" she complained.  
  
I guess I'd better tell you the sleeping arrangements. Haldir and I were sharing a room, Kitty and Legolas, Courtney and Pippin. Merry, Frodo, Sam, Boromir, Gandalf, Gimli, Jack, Carter, Teal'c, and Daniel all had their own rooms. As did Vanessa and Aragorn, hence the big fuss.  
  
"But not everyone else is going to be King of Gondor," Boromir reminded her.  
  
"Shut up, Pincushion Boi!" she muttered and sat down to sulk.  
  
"OK, sorry to break up the 'love fest' going on here, but I'm going to put my crap down," I interrupted and walked off in what I thought was the direction of my room.  
  
"Not that way," Haldir said, pointing down the opposite direction. "That way. I'll show you."  
  
"Dang Elf," I muttered.  
  
.~*~.  
  
Haldir quickly showed me where our room was and I put down my stuff and looked around.  
  
"Wow. These Gondorians have good taste," I said appreciatively. All the furniture was, apparently, made out of redwood and oak and extremely pretty. "They even have a chess set. Awesome!" (A/N~ I love chess; it's great! Do they have chess in Middle-Earth? They do now if they didn't.)  
  
After I got settled in, Haldir and I sat and talked about whatever sprang to mind. We pretty much did that until the eventful dinner that night.  
  
Those of us not from Middle-Earth were called to a room with no explanation; "Just come," was all we were told if we asked. When we got there a small woman was waiting.  
  
"If you are to attend the banquet tonight, you must have more civilized clothing," the woman said in an annoying nasally voice.  
  
We looked around; Alex, Vanessa, Kitty, Courtney, and I were wearing jeans while SG-1 was wearing their BDU's.  
  
"I see nothing wrong with our attire," Teal'c replied.  
  
The woman scoffed. "Ladies, you will find your dresses in that room (she pointed to the left) and Lords, you will find your clothing in the room on the right."  
  
"Yea!" Kitty cried. "We get to wear Gondorian dresses!" (She was still REALLY excited about being in M-E and her hormones were way outta wack.)  
  
.~*~.  
  
"OK, if I ever get excited about dresses again, slap me!" Kitty shouted.  
  
"Gladly," I joked.  
  
"What do you have to complain about?!" Vanessa screamed. "I'm the one in the PINK, FRILLY dress!"  
  
Kitty stopped shouting as she, Courtney, and I collapsed in giggles.  
  
By this time we were all dressed (think the dress that Éowyn wears at the encampment in RotK). I had a deep, velvety purple dress; Kitty had a forest green one; Courtney, a sky blue, and Sam got stuck with a brown one, but she didn't complain, at least, not to us.  
  
"At least there's no headdress this time," I heard her mutter and remembered the last time she had to wear a really fancy dress (episode: Emancipation).  
  
We walked out to the main room and waited for the guys. We waited for about five minutes before we were "graced" with their presence. I have to admit, they looked about as uncomfortable as we did (we don't do dresses).  
  
First thing out of Jack's (and Kitty's) mouth was, "Does this make me look fat?" We all just rolled our eyes, knowing our friends', and commanding officer's (in some cases), senses of humor.  
  
I think Vanessa looked the most uncomfortable of us all, only because the rest of us at least looked spiffy, she had a pink, frilly dress like the ones little girls are always forced to wear to look "cute".  
  
"Why do I have to wear the pink, frilly dress?!" Vanessa demanded of the woman who first told us our clothes weren't "civilized".  
  
"Because the King and Steward (Boromir) requested it," the nasally-voiced woman replied.  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOO! I'm gonna kill that HASRWANB and Pincushion Boi!" Vanessa screamed and stormed off to find them.  
  
"Oh, I gotta see this!" I said and ran off after her with everyone walking behind us.  
  
A/N~ OK, I'll leave it there. This outta be good. The beginning kinda sucked but it'll get better. Well, remember to review! *tags Nessie* 


	2. The Ugliest Woman I have Ever Seen!

Chapter 2: "The Ugliest Woman I Have Ever Seen!"  
  
A/N2~ Once again it was another crack chapter at me. Why? Just about all of Christy's chapters try and degrade me. *sobs* Oh, well, I'm still the cute one! *slaps HASRWANB's butt, grabs his hand as well as Jack's* Now I'm a happy person!  
  
A/N~ Christy here. I'm typing therefore I am the author! *cackles* Gotta reply to this A/N2! Why? Because it's fun! I don't "try"; I succeed! And you're only the cute one cuz I'm the hott one! LOL! OK, you go be happy! Any time you see "A/N", it's Christy talking, "A/N2", it's Vanessa. On with the story now.  
  
Boromir: *is reading an RPS * WHOA!! That's just wrong!  
  
Me: *looks over his shoulder* Meh, that's nothing compared to what they usually write.  
  
Aragorn: *is reading another RPS* (They're addicted to the internet. What can I say?) "My phallic symbol?" Wha?  
  
Me: Hehe. I remember that one! But enough! *Grabs RPS's away from them*  
  
Aragorn and Boromir: HEY! Give those back!  
  
Me: Only if you do the disclaimer!  
  
Aragorn and Boromir: *listlessly* Vanessa and Christy own nothing except what you don't recognize as Tolkein's work. There, happy.  
  
Me: Yes. *Hands back RPS's* Y'all need help. *Rolls eyes*  
  
I stormed sown the hall in a blur of pink and lace. Ooo.I was ever so mad. Nobody, and I mean nobody, puts Vanessa T. in anything pink! (A/N~ I think they just did.) So I rushed towards the war room where I was told Aragorn and Boromir and the advisors were planning; SG-1 and my "friends" following.  
  
"Aragorn!" I yelled as I threw open the doors, my eyes blazing. "And Pincushion Boi, how convenient."  
  
From my left I heard someone chuckle. I whipped around and shot the future King of Gondor the dirtiest glare I could muster. These things take years of practice, ya know. (A/N~ She has VERY dirty glares. Don't EVER get her mad!)  
  
He gulped and pointed at Boromir. "He made me do it! I swear!"  
  
The man cried, "I did no such thing! You put me up to ordering the dress, my friend."  
  
"Ah, but you are mistaken. It was you who said, 'It would be funny to see Vanessa in a dress like your grandmothers'".  
  
I scoffed. "Excuse me?!"  
  
"It was his idea, Vanessa, honest," Aragorn pleaded.  
  
"He made me do it! He ordered me to do it!" Boromir cried.  
  
I thought for a moment. Man, was I angry and was in the mood to kick some serious male butt. "Aragorn, you should know better than to do that. Boromir, you should know better than to listen to Aragorn by now!"  
  
Aragorn nodded, then stopped. "Hey!"  
  
.~*~.  
  
Jack walked towards the Stargate with a handful of Elven lembas in one hand and, in the other, he held a container of water. Sam and Teal'c were busy trying to fix the gate.  
  
"Carter," Jack said briskly. "Didja get it working yet?"  
  
Sam sighed. "Well, sir, the naquadah reactor seems to have blown the density-"  
  
"AH!" Jack cried and dropped the lembas and water as he threw is hands to his ears. When he was sure Carter had stopped, he asked, "Is it working?"  
  
"Not yet, Colonel; but give us some time."  
  
"Right," he said as he picked up his food and water. Jack turned to walk away, but stopped and turned back. "Carter, do you think I'm fat?"  
  
Sam looked at Teal'c who raised an eyebrow and went back to work on the gate.  
  
"What?" he asked again through a mouthful of the Elven bread.  
  
(A/N2~ Awww.crap. I messed up. OK, I'll fix it. After we got our clothes we had some free time so we all changed back into normal stuff until it was time. Yeah, there we go.)  
  
.~*~.  
  
Later that day/night it was time for the banquet. Everyone put on their "spiffy" clothes (I still had that stupid dress; damn Aragorn and his power!) and we met up in the front courtyard and made our way to the banquet hall.  
  
"Why do I have the sudden urge to sing 'We're off to see the Wizard?'" I asked.  
  
"I was just thinking that!" Jack cried.  
  
"Ah!" I squealed. Jack and I then looped arms and started to skip while singing the aforementioned song.  
  
"I don't know her," Christy moaned and buried her head in her hands. (A/N~ Actually I'd be singing along. I got paid not to sing it once in fact!)  
  
"I was led to believe you did," Teal'c replied, confused.  
  
"No, it's an- it's an expression, Teal'c," Daniel said.  
  
"I see," the Jaffa replied, clearly not believing him.  
  
"No, you see--" he started again.  
  
"Let it go, Danny!" Jack called over his shoulder. "Just let it go."  
  
When we arrived at the banquet hall we were, or at least I was, amazed. The usually drab, dull, dark room was bright and colorful. Already there were a few couples out on the dance floor, dancing to music from an unseen source.  
  
As soon as I got to the bottom of the stairs I heard laughter. No, it was the "wow, that was a funny joke" laugh; it was a "wow, Vanessa looks like a burrito" laugh (I don't think anyone got that but Christy and I).  
  
I looked around and, sure enough, there was my HASRWANB standing, talking to Pincushion Boi. They act like teenage boys if you ask my.  
  
"If you'll excuse me," I said. "I'm off to kick some Gondorian asses!"  
  
"I don't know who to feel sorry for; Vanessa for wearing that dress or Aragorn and Boromir for having to endure her wrath!" Sam lamented.  
  
"Definitely Aragorn and Boromir," Frodo mumbled.  
  
"Get back here, you great imps!" I shouted as the two men ran away. "I'll show you who's gonna wear this dress and it ain't gonna be me!"  
  
"Yes, Aragorn and Boromir," Frodo repeated.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Nessa."Boromir whined. "Why do I have to wear it? I'm the best friend of the King of Gondor, that should give me some authority over this!"  
  
"Well, that's too darn bad for you," I said. "You get to wear it because you were the only one I could catch."  
  
"You didn't catch me; you dog-piled me!"  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"And I've been meaning to tell you, you need to lay off the lembas; you're heavy."  
  
SMACK! "You were saying?" I smiled.  
  
Boromir rubbed his cheek (not that one!) which was a bright shade of red. "Oww."  
  
Aragorn and I dragged the cross-dressed man out to the dance floor. "Now, Aragorn, dance with the man. Err.woman."  
  
"What?! I'm the king!"  
  
"Not yet."  
  
"Vanessa, I refuse to dance with Boromir."  
  
"Are you saying he's ugly?" I asked.  
  
"Yes!" he retorted and Boromir made a face. "No, I mean- No, I don't know what I mean, actually."  
  
I stomped my foot impatiently. "DANCE!"  
  
Aragorn gulped and nodded. "Yes, ma'am." He then turned to Boromir and made an unhappy face. "I'm sorry, Boromir, but you have to be the ugliest woman I've ever seen."  
  
I suppressed a giggle at the face had made and left the two to their dance.  
  
Noticing Christy and Haldir at the drinks, I headed over. "Hiya, guys!" I greeted. "Didja see what I did to my men?" Aragorn and Boromir were dancing about two feet away from each other and trying hard not to hold hands.  
  
"Nessa, why is the future king dancing with Boromir in your dress?" Haldir asked.  
  
"It's one of my many ways of torturing them for the whole dress incident."  
  
"Why not just shoot them?"  
  
"Naw, no public humiliation."  
  
A/N2~ It sux but I don't care! I'm tired and I'm having troubles in Biology. So I'm gonna go sleep. REVIEW ME BABY!  
  
A/N~ Please review! Or Vanessa will give you one of her dirty looks! You have to take a shower afterwards their soooo dirty! OK, just review! 


	3. More Party Fun!

Chapter 3: More Party Fun  
  
A/N~ Hehehe! I started cracking up during Algebra. I'm home now and I have alcohol! Not much but still, tis alcohol. *Has Jack Sparrow moment* But why is the rum gone?! OK, just a word to the unsuspecting, I was sick when I wrote this so it's a lot mushier than I usually write.  
  
Me: Aragorn! Boromir! Where are you?!  
  
Aragorn: Watching TV, where else?  
  
Me: *suspicious* What are you watching?  
  
Boromir: Something called "Christy Birthday 1990". Rather amusing.  
  
Me: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! *Runs and stops tape* Do the disclaimer and go to your rooms!  
  
Boromir: You never let us have any fun!  
  
Me: NOW!  
  
Aragorn: They own nothing. Happy?  
  
Me: *Glares* GO!  
  
I smirked. "Vanessa, as ridiculous as Boromir looks in a pink, frilly dress several sizes too small, you look just as bad."  
  
Vanessa looked down at her outfit. "I see nothing wrong with it," she retorted.  
  
"Go ask Kitty about it," I told her.  
  
"Fine," she shot at me. "I will."  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Kitty! KITTY!" Legolas was screaming, trying to keep Kitty from attacking Daniel and doing something not "G".  
  
Vanessa walked up, amused. "Kitty, can you help me with something?"  
  
"Sure," Kitty answered, still pulling against Legolas's hold.  
  
"Does this outfit look silly?"  
  
Kitty turned to look, then collapsed against Legolas in a fit of giggles. "Considering that the clothes are male, several sizes too large, and not made for a chick to wear, no." She rolled her eyes.  
  
"OKKKKK," Vanessa replied. "I take it you agree with Christy."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Fine!" she gave up and pouted. "I'll go find a dress!"  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Boromir!" Aragorn hissed. "She's gone! Go change!"  
  
"Gladly!" the other man returned and ran for his quarters, returning about two minutes later.  
  
.~*~.  
  
Vanessa returned about ten minutes later wearing a peach colored dress this time around. And, this time around, there were no "Vanessa-looks-like-a- burrito" laughs to be heard. Maybe that's because Aragorn and Boromir were hiding from her. They said that they were performing royal functions like greeting the guests etc.  
  
"There. Better now?" she asked as she sat down near Haldir and me.  
  
"Sure," I said, not really paying attention.  
  
(A/N~ I seem to have just received an offer. Trevor was rubbing up against me and said, "Do you want to meet up later? For some.action?" Sounds like fun compared to baby-sitting.)  
  
I took a drink of whatever it was they had given me; I guess it was ale.  
  
"Ah, I love you," I said looking past my cup in Haldir's direction.  
  
"Who? Me or the ale?" Haldir asked amused.  
  
"The beer," I replied, smiling. Seeing the amused look fall from his face, I started laughing. "Of course you! Who did you think I meant?! Alcohol is only fun for a little bit, while you're always fun." I leaned over and kissed him, amused at how fragile his ego was.  
  
"Just checking," he said quickly, trying to make it seem like he knew all the time.  
  
I rolled my eyes. "Sure you were." I patted his arm, showing that I "believed" him. "Guys," I muttered to Vanessa. "So obvious and insecure."  
  
'Yeah, really," she laughed back.  
  
Suddenly I was struck by an urge (I often am).  
  
"Dance with me!" I cried, pulling Haldir to his feet and dragging him to the dance floor. I quickly gave up on the elvish dance that he was teaching me, but had fun anyway.  
  
After a while we got tired of dancing and it still wasn't time to eat. I think Aragorn was stalling dinner to avoid Vanessa because of the whole "grandmother's dress" thing. As I have a bizarre fascination with the stars, Haldir led me to a balcony where we could look at them. We did this for a while, Haldir pointing out the different constellation.  
  
About twenty minutes later we heard a combined Kitty/Vanessa yell of "FFOOOOOOOOODDDDD!" and gathered that it was FINALLY time to eat. We walked back to the dining hall and quickly found our seats.  
  
Aragorn sat at the head of the table, on the right side, sat Boromir, on the left, Vanessa. Next to Boromir sat Legolas then Kitty, Merry, Pippin, Courtney, the hobbit Sam, Frodo, Gandalf and Gimli. Next to Vanessa sat Alex, then Haldir, me, Daniel, Jack, chick Sam, and Teal'c.  
  
A/N~ Well, I leave it there. I've had this spiral long enough! Take it and have fun, but not too much! So what happens Nessie? 


	4. Why does your butt look better in those ...

Chapter 4: "Why does your butt look better in those jeans than mine?!"  
  
A/N2~ Grr.I got my damn mum caught on the spiral. Arg! I have no idea what to write! *Screams* I've had a hard day.  
  
A/N~ Ohhh. poor Nessie! And the next day was even worse! *huggles poor Nessie*  
  
Me: Why, oh, why won't the internet let me on?!  
  
Boromir: Because it hates you, why else?  
  
Me: OW! Thanks for the ego boost buddy! *Smack!*  
  
Aragorn: Before this goes any further, the girls own nothing, although Christy is an Elf Goddess and must be worshiped by all!  
  
Me: *Smacks Boromir again for good measure* Awww.. thanks Aragorn.  
  
Aragorn: You're welcome.  
  
"Alex," I begged. "Will you please switch places with Jack?" I had been pleading with him for a while to move away from me and be exchanged for someone "cool".  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I don't like you!" I screamed.  
  
"Tell him how you really feel, Vanessa," Boromir laughed.  
  
I just rolled my eyes and proceeded to get Alex to move, which he finally did after 20 minutes.  
  
Jack soon occupied Alex's seat and I moved in on my prey. I squeezed his shoulders and squealed, "I wuv this man!"  
  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!" the colonel exclaimed. "No need to get all toughy- feely over here."  
  
"Sorry," I mumbled my apology. I glanced at Aragorn who was shooting death glares at Jack. Hehehe; a jealous future King.  
  
Soon everyone dug into their food and chowed down. That was, of course, with the exception of SG-1 as Carter had to "analyze" the food. When she was done the other members of the team ate.  
  
"And then I said to him, "Go get your own wine!" Drunken Elf #3 laughed to Teal'c. The man took a swig of wine, slammed the glass down, and chuckled some more.  
  
The Jaffa reised an eyebrow at the elf. "I do not see how your story is funny," he stated. Teal'c then turned to Maj. Carter and said, "These people are very strange while intoxicated."  
  
Dinner was eaten and cleared away within a timeframe of about 2 hours. The whole time I saw Boromir look at me, then at Aragorn and snicker.  
  
"I finally grew aggrivated enough and yelled, "What is your problem?!"  
  
"I'm just thinking about something," he replied.  
  
I gasped. "You? Thinking? Since when did this happen? Someone, alert the media; Boromir can think!"  
  
He glared at me. "That just makes everything all the more sweet."  
  
Needless to say, I was quite a confused little person after that comment. What was going to be sweet? I hadn't done anything to him all night. Oh, wait, there was that whole dress thing. Uh-oh.  
  
"Aragorn," I whined. "He's scaring me. I keep half expecting him to shed his mask and become Sauron himself."  
  
"I hardly expect that to happen," he replied nonchalant.  
  
"Alright, well if you wake up with my severed head lying on your pillow, you know who to blame." (A/N2~ Ooo. I'm using big words!)  
  
He laughed then started a conversation with the mass murderer. Men, I will never understand them.  
  
.~*~.  
  
*Somewhere, where the Stargate is*  
  
The gate powered up and a giant tidal wave surged from what was once empty space. Then, out of the "water", a creature walked through.  
  
One of the guards drew his sword and attacked whilest the other guarded the door to ensure that it did not escape into the city. Within minutes the monster was slain.  
  
"Go tell the king about this," Guard #1 said.  
  
.~*~.  
  
The doors to the banquet hall burst open and a man rushed towards Aragorn. He whispered something to him, waited for his reply and left.  
  
"Jack?" he asked. "Could we speak outside for a moment?"  
  
The colonel looked to Carter, shrugged, and followed my HASRWANB outside. "What seems to be the big problem?"  
  
"Only moments ago, some monster came through the ring in which you and your companions came through. I want to know what it was and if it is going to be a threat to my people."  
  
Jack thought about it for a moment. "An Unas, maybe? I dunno. If it's dead I don't see what the whole deal is."  
  
"The 'deal is', it just attacked two of my guards!" Aragorn said, his voice rising as well as his temper.  
  
"Ooo.someone's getting' chewed," I laughed. "Let's go listen in!" My friends and I lept from the table and crept towards the men.  
  
"Look, buddy, I don't know what to tell you about the Unas. If you don't want them coming again, if they do, just bury the gate and shove a coverstone over it," Jack explained.  
  
"My men will get on it in the morning."  
  
"After SG-1 leaves, right?" Kitty asked. "Otherwise they're stuck here for a while." (A/N~ Good job, Kitty! Blow our cover! LOL!)  
  
The two men whipped their attention towards the hell only to see us four girls and Alex peeking out the door. They looked surprised to say the least.  
  
"Get back inside!" Aragorn yelled.  
  
We all scrambled back to the table, closing the door behind us. "Sheesh, what crawled up his butt and died?" Christy asked.  
  
.~*~.  
  
The next morning I woke up with a spliting headache. "Damn elvish wine," I mumbled as I made my way to the closet. I opened the doors and was quite surprised to see that all my clothes were gone.and had been replaced with Aragorn's.  
  
"I looked around the room. No, it was definately my room. There was no naked Aragorn on my bed so that meant he had not moved rooms either.  
  
"BOROMIR!!!" I heard Aragorn cry from across the hall.  
  
Wanting to see what all the comotion was about, I hastily threw on one of the outfits and went out into the hallway.  
  
There, standing, was Aragorn.in my clothe. They didn't fit too well, but as long as he didn't touch my undergarments, I was a happy burrito.  
  
"Vanessa, what are you doing in my clothes?"  
  
"Idunno. What are you doing in mine?"  
  
"All of mine have been stolen and replaced with this." He looked down at the outfit and made a face.  
  
"Hye, me too! Except I ended up with your clothes." I examined Aragorn more closely. "Why does your butt look better in those jeans then mine?!"  
  
He rolled his eyes and went into my room to retrieve his "lost" clothes. After that he went into his and did the same with mine.  
  
Once we were both in our own clothes, we went in search of Boromir. He was going to DIE!!  
  
Aragorn pounded on the Steward's door. "Boromir, I know you're in here," he called. "Open up!" (A/N~ To this I can only add."It's the police!!" Sorry, couldn't resist.)  
  
Slowly the large oak door opened a crack. The man laughed nervously. "Umm.good morning. Heh, you two sure are up early."  
  
"Why did you switch our clothes?!" I screamed.  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about," he said innocently.  
  
Aragorn glared at him.  
  
"Fine! It's because you," he pointed at me, "made me dance with him! AND you made me do it in your dress!"  
  
"SO? You made me wear it first!"  
  
A/N2~ OK, that's about all I want to write for this chapter. I've had major blockage in ideas as you can tell. Anyway, review me, baby! *Rides off into the night taking Aragorn* Yee-haw!  
  
A/N~ I liked the chappie, but whatever, I'm only the typist for this chapter. I thought it was really funny, but then I do have a strange sense of humor. *Shrugs* Oh, well. Review and tell her what you think. Later! 


	5. Spacemonkey and the Pink Panther

Chapter 5: Spacemonkey and the Pink Panther  
  
A/N~ Wrote nothing of import in the spiral for my A/N, so not gonna type it up. By the way, I don't own the Pink Panther; just used it for the title (We were playing it in marching band when I wrote this. Yeah, last semester!). Also I was having a bad week; just keep that in mind as you read. Also, for those who don't watch Stargate, or don't know very much about it "Spacemonkey" is a nickname that Jack gave to Daniel at the beginning of season 2. OK, disclaimer time.  
  
Me: *Is folding laundry* *Throws black sheet over head* Shire! Baggins! Scrrreeeeeee!!!!!! *cackles* Scrreeeeeeeee!!!!!  
  
Boromir: You know you're obsessed with LotR (Which they do not own) when.  
  
Aragorn: *shakes head* .when you act like her.  
  
Me: Shire! Baggins! Screeeeee!!!!!!! *Hears them* *Takes off sheet* What's wrong with doing that?! It's fun! *Pulls sheet back on and continues running around the house* (I don't own that either. I got it off of a list of ways you know you've seen FotR too many times (from when it was in theaters!). I thought it was awesome & would so do if my parents didn't already think I'm nut-zo!)  
  
Several hours after Vanessa and Aragorn's confrontation with Boromir, everyone was up. I was dragged, kicking and screaming, from my nice, warm bed.  
  
"Rise and shine!" Courtney shouted cheerfully after I had thrown something at the door, alerting her that the knocking had in fact awoken me.  
  
"I'll rise, but I won't shine!" I glowered at the door. "Go away and come back in 5 hours!"  
  
"OK," Courtney said. "Just as long as you're up. Breakfast is in 10 minutes!"  
  
"Good," I mumbled. "Ten more minutes of sleep." With that I pulled the covers back over my head to sleep some more.  
  
"No," Haldir told me, pulling down the covers and starting to get dressed. That is a good first sight, but I all I could do was glare at him, only drawing a smile from him. "Come on; get up."  
  
"Damn you for being a morning person," I grumbled as he started dragging me out of my bed. "AH! NO! I'm not ready to get up yet!" I tried kicking at him, seeing if he would leave me alone. No such luck.  
  
"Too bad!" he retorted, shoving me towards my closet.  
  
"Damn elves," I muttered and stuck my tongue out at him. He just laughed.  
  
.~*~.  
  
In ten minutes, I was unfortunately, at breakfast and not sleeping. Breakfast, while largely ignored on Earth, is a feast in Middle-Earth (Sorry, I didn't eat breakfast this morning.). There were piles of food everywhere on the table. We sat in pretty much the same order as the night before. As I was "mad" at Haldir for making me get up, I decided to talk to Daniel, who, I found out, is not a morning person either.  
  
"Where's the coffee?!" Daniel growled. (Vanessa so elegantly wrote in the spiral "Up ya butt!" So nice, ain't she?)  
  
"I don't know," I answered. "But I'd kill for some right about now!" I yawn and looked at him. "They better have caffeine and junk food here! I don't know how long my coke/junk food stash is gonna last me."  
  
My fellow junk food/caffeine addict looked at me happily. "You brought some with you?"  
  
"Yes," I told him, then yelled down to Aragorn. "Aragorn, where's the damn coffee?! I have a headache!" (And yet, I yell. I'm sooooo smart!)  
  
"It's coming," he said coldly, glaring at me. He was still pissed about the Boromir clothes switch.  
  
"Geez!" I muttered. "Someone's got a stick up his butt."  
  
Haldir looked at me. "And how would you know that?" He raised an eyebrow and smiled.  
  
I pouted at him. "I'm still not talking to you. I wanted to sleep but you wouldn't let me. You're mean."  
  
"OK, fine. You can go back to sleep later," he gave in.  
  
"Yea!" I cheered and hugged him.  
  
"Where's Lord Boromir?" Sam asked loudly.  
  
I looked to where Boromir should have been sitting. "I don't know, Major," I answered. "But I'll ask. Hey, Strider! Where's Pincushion Boi? If I have to be here, he has to be here!"  
  
"Don't worry about Boromir," Aragorn answered with a cold smile. "He'll be back later."  
  
.~*~.  
  
".you love me. We're a happy family," Random Handmaiden #157 sang.  
  
"NO!" Boromir shouted, pleading for mercy. "No more! Please stop! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Sorry, sir," the handmaiden replied. "I am following King Aragorn's orders." She shrugged and looked genuinely sorry, the continued singing "Barney."  
  
.~*~.  
  
We finished breakfast and Boromir was still not back. Sam (Carter) was looking concerned about him. If you ask me, I'd say that a certain major had a crush on a certain Steward.  
  
When everyone was deciding what to do with the day I said that I was gonna make good on Haldir's promise that I could sleep more and dragged him away with me. Aragorn announced that he was gonna release Boromir and do his Kingly duties of the day so that the rest of it would be free to spend with everyone else. After thinking for a moment, Vanessa decided that she was gonna "help" Aragorn with his paperwork and crap. Daniel told the remaining group, who determined that they would just sit around and talk, that he was going to spend a few hours in the library, doing what he does best- working.  
  
.~*~.  
  
When Haldir and I got back to our room, instead of hitting the bed to get more sleep, I grabbed one of my cokes and sat in a comfortable overstuffed chair staring off into space in the direction of the chess set.  
  
I guess Haldir figured that's what I was looking at. "So, you're good at chess, huh?"  
  
I jolted out of my reverie. "Yeah," I answered. "What about it?"  
  
"I bet I could beat you," he challenged.  
  
"Oh? Really?" I asked, never one to back down from a challenge. "I bet you can't. And, if I win, I get to sleep until I want to get up. If I lose, I'll get up early. Deal?"  
  
"Deal," he agreed.  
  
"Get ready to lose," I instructed him and moved towards the set. Man, winning never felt so good!  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Hello?" Daniel asked confuse. "Is anyone there?" When no one answered he muttered, "I could have sworn I heard something."  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant, dead- aaaaaaaaaant," Kitty hummed the "Pink Panther" theme song as she stalked through the library shelves.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Uh.guys." Legolas said. "Where's Kitty?"  
  
SG-1, minus Daniel, Boromir, Courtney, Pippin, and Merry looked around confused. (A/N~ And Vanessa's hobbit-like appetite is confirmed. She wrote her "I ate her." which begs the questions, "what does she taste like?" and "was it worth eating one of your best friends?")  
  
"I thought the crazy one was near you," Jack cracked.  
  
"I don't know when she snuck away," Courtney said. "But Daniel's in the library alone and we have a missing Kitty."  
  
A collective "Uh-oh!" permeated the room.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"OK, I know someone's there!" Daniel called out into the darkness of the seemingly empty library, feeling like an idiot. "Who are you?!"  
  
"Daniel!" he heard someone squeal as a shape almost tackled him, then squeezed the air out of him as she hugged him.  
  
"Uh.hi." He stammered. "Who are you?"  
  
"It's me. Kitty!" she cried, sounding hurt.  
  
"Oh.uh.of course," he stuttered, trying to extract himself from her grasp. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"You said that you were going to work in the library and I've never seen an archaeologist/linguist work," she answered coyly, trying to sound innocent. "I thought it would be interesting to see, and maybe I can learn something. I'm sorry if I scared you, I just didn't want to interrupt you. Can I stay?" She smiled then gave him the infamous "Puppy-dog Pout."  
  
"Ok," he agreed. "Just don't interrupt too much." He returned the warm smile her was receiving.  
  
"Of course I won't."  
  
.~*~.  
  
Legolas reached the library first. What he saw was not what he expected to see. Kitty was sitting across from Daniel, talking animatedly with him, her hands covering his over the table, all seeming quite innocent. (A/N~ I don't think I punctuated that sentence correctly; either too many commas or too few. Meh, correct me if you know. And Vanessa says (I say this for Kitty's benefit), "Only on his hands? Sure." *giggle* Yes, only the hands! I'm not stupid enough to make Kits have an affair!)  
  
"What are you doing?!" Legolas raged.  
  
"What?" Daniel asked. Then realizing how bad the situation looked, drew his hands off the table. "We weren't doing anything, I swear!"  
  
Legolas glared and looked unconvinced.  
  
Kitty rolled her eyes. "We were talking about mythology and I got excited," she explained. "I was trying to make sure I had his complete attention before I asked my question."  
  
"Suuuuuure," Courtney joked, trying to add some levity to the situation. Seeing that it didn't work, she groaned and said, "Never mind. Hey Kits. Let's go get some more food." Courtney knew that would get Kitty away from the guys and a potentially dangerous situation; Legolas's jealousy erupting.  
  
"Fooooooood!" Kitty cried, drawing tight smiles from everyone and left with Court. Once they were gone, Legolas once again glared at Daniel.  
  
"If you ever come near my wife again, I will shoot an arrow up your ass," Legolas threatened. (OK, disclaimer time- the "shoot an arrow up your ass" came from a good fic, "Why Leggy doesn't smile." Back to the story.)  
  
"I'm sorry," Daniel said, not wanting to think how much having an arrow shot up his butt would hurt. "We were honestly just talking about mythology. Nothing was happening."  
  
"Just in case," Legolas growled. "I leave you with the image of an arrow rammed up your ass." Leggy then stalked off with everyone else, leaving SG- 1 alone.  
  
"Well, Daniel," jack commented. "It seems you've taken over T's job of making new friends." He grinned. Daniel just glared.  
  
A/N~ OK, that's long enough! That was a fun chappie! Have fun, Nessie! *runs off to play more chess with Haldir* ^.^ And sorry for the wait between updates; been a bit busy lately. No, really, I have been busy! I'm not being lazy! *giggle* Really, it was just too much homework. Well, just remember to review! Tell us what you think! *giggles* 


	6. The Jello Incident?

Chapter 6: "The Green Jell-O incident?"  
  
A/N~ (Vanessa) Well, I hope you're happy: I'm doing this instead of my Speech homework. So appreciate this, dammit! Awww.screw it, I'm going to sleep. Oh, and I spilled Rain Maker on my hands; it stained.  
  
A/N2~ (Christy) Interesting title, is it not? Hehehehe! I don't got nothin' to write here, so it's disclaimer time!  
  
Me: *Starts music* OK, boys; take it away!  
  
Aragorn & Boromir: *Singing* Oooooooh, Christy and Vanessa they don't own a thing! They really wish they did because then they'd--what?! Ack!!!!  
  
Me: *stops music* *cackles* You like my lyrics?  
  
Boromir: *Looks scared* Not really!  
  
Aragorn: Meep!  
  
Me: *Cackles more* Oh, well. Tis your problem.  
  
"Food!!" Kitty squealed as she broke into a mad dash for the dinner table. "Oh, sweet, glorious food!"  
  
It was later that evening, like say 8, and dinner was about ready to be served. It had been a long day for everyone it seems. Legolas and Daniel's new "friendship", Christy and Haldir's, well.I'll leave that to your imagination and Aragorn's "Kingly duties" that I "watched".  
  
Aragorn and I entered from one of the side doors and, yeah, he looked like a sex god. It took all of my self-control not to glomp him right there on the spot.  
  
Anyway, leaving that subject.SG-1 strolled (yes, strolled) in and they each calmly took their spot. They had on those really savvy hats that they were on missions.  
  
"Where do you get those hats?" I asked. "Army Surplus?"  
  
"SGC," Sam replied.  
  
"Oh. And from Houston, how long of a drive would that be?"  
  
"It's classified," Jack retorted.  
  
"Oh. Well, can I buy one from you? It can't cost that much." I started reaching for my wallet (don't ask me where I got it from).  
  
"You can't have one," Jack replied.  
  
"But I'm willing to pay. Besides, my tax dollars have already paid for it; therefore it's mine!" I reached for Jack's hat but he swatted me away.  
  
"Oy, crazy woman, go away!" he cried.  
  
Surprisingly enough, Carter said nothing throughout the little scene. Maybe because she was too busy staring at a certain Steward to notice.  
  
This did not go unnoticed by Daniel. "Sam? Saaaaaaaam?" he called, waving a hand in front of her eyes. "Earth to Samantha."  
  
She blinked and sprang suddenly back to life. "Huh? What? I missed that."  
  
'See something, or rather someone, interesting down there, Sam?" Daniel asked with a twinkle in his eyes.  
  
"No, no, I was umm.thinking. Thinking about going home. I think I left the oven on."  
  
"Carter," Jack said. "You don't cook. I've been to your house, tried your cooking, and, miraculously, I'm still alive." Jack leaned towards Sam. "Care to tell what you found so interesting down there?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh, come on, Carter. You know I can keep a secret."  
  
She gave the colonel a disbelieving look and shook her head. "Like the Jell- o incident?"  
  
"Now that was an accident!" Jack cried.  
  
"You told the whole base about how I have 15 boxes of green Jell-o in my pantry, sir! I don't think it was an accident."  
  
"Oh." Jack decided to try a different approach. "Carter.I wuv you." At this point he trued the Puppy-dog Pout and rested his head on her arm, looking up at her.  
  
"Come on, Sam," Daniel said softly. "Can you deny the look on his face?" He pointed at Jack to demonstrate his point. (A/N~ *tap, tap, tap!* Ah, the slash writers are at it again; I just know it!)  
  
"You men are hopeless," she mumbled and went back to eating her unidentifiable food.  
  
"Well, that went well," Col. O'Neill said sarcastically.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"So, did you guys have fun today?" I asked. Actually, I really didn't care much about how their day went; I just wanted to make conversation.  
  
"Yeah, I think so," Courtney said. "Although, I had to save Kitty today."  
  
"Hmm," I commented. Then it registered in my mind what she was hinting at. "So what happened?"  
  
"Well, our married, pregnant friend, Kitty here, decided that she wanted to "help" Daniel out with his work today. And, well, that caused a big commotion."  
  
Legolas and Daniel remained impassive during Court's mini-rant and Kitty happily munched on her food. Legolas did, though, glare at Daniel and put an arm around Kit's waist.  
  
"Wow," I said calmly. "And you, Christy?" I asked, turning to my friend.  
  
"Let's just say that I have a new love for chess," she replied. I noticed that Haldir blushed, which is something no elf should do. Hmm. can somebody say 'investigative report'?  
  
"And did you have fun too, Haldir?" I asked, wriggling my eyebrows at him. This, in turn, got me a desired effect.  
  
His face flushed again. His voice cracked slightly as he opened his mouth to answer, "Yes." (Christy: *looks innocent* I dunno what Vanessa's writing about!)  
  
"Right." (A/N~ OK, too tired to write. G'night.)  
  
"So, Vanessa, did you enjoy "helping" Aragorn with his "kingly duties" today?" Christy asked laughing slightly. Of course she knew we did anything but work.  
  
I looked over at Aragorn who was talking, well, trying to at least, with Merry, and nodded. "Oh, yeah." I grinned.  
  
.~*~.  
  
After dinner, as everyone was getting up to leave, Aragorn announced that he had a question to ask of everyone. "It has been brought to my attention that tomorrow they will be decorating for the coronation. And since I, well we, will not be needed, I thought we'd go camping."  
  
"Camping?" Teal'c asked.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, it's real fun," Jack stated. "Will there be any fishing included?" he asked hopefully.  
  
"NO!" Teal'c cried, remembering his 1st experience fishing and shivered slightly. "O'Neill, I don not think it wise to fish."  
  
"Oh, fine; didn't bring my pole anyway."  
  
"Yay, camping!" Court exclaimed. "Wait, are there going to be bugs? I hate bugs."  
  
Christy and I were too busy thinking about who were going to be our "tent buddies" to really notice what all was going on around us. Ooo.I hope it's Aragorn.Yummy.  
  
A/N~ My gods, Vanessa! What a crappy chapter! Oh well, not my problem now is it? Hehe. Anyway, I set it up for you Christy and left you a hint as to who I want as my "buddy". Oh, and don't forget to REVIEW!!! We like that.  
  
A/N2~ Hehe. And Nessie, that was not crappy! You left a hint as to who you want your buddy to be, huh? Couldn't tell; I think she wants Gim-Gim for a buddy. What do y'all think? *giggles* And, yes, we DO like reviews! It makes me feel special to open my inbox and see that we have reviews. BTW, thanx all who have reviewed (I need to get on the net to see, but currently am not, so ya know)! 


	7. Truth or Dare?

Chapter 7: Truth or dare?  
  
A/N~ For once I actually know what I want to do in this chapter (for the most part) and how I want to do it. Whoo! Go me! I'm hungry. Sorry, that was random. Moving on.  
  
Aragorn: I'm hungry.  
  
Boromir: I want a cookie.  
  
Me: I want to own LotR, but that obviously isn't happening, so you can forget it.  
  
Aragorn & Boromir: *poutz*  
  
"Does anyone have bug spray?!" Courtney asked as she smacked another mosquito-like creature. The elves laughed while Aragorn, our resident Ranger, looked amused.  
  
"'Bug spray'?" he asked. "What's 'bug spray'?"  
  
"Awww." Courtney groaned.  
  
"Wait!" Sam said digging in one of SG-1's packs. "Aha! Found it! Here Courtney." Sam threw a can of bug spray to Court.  
  
"Yea!" Court squealed and started spaying away happily.  
  
"OK, let's get the tents set up," Aragorn instructed.  
  
"Ummm.slight problem here," Vanessa spoke up. "Christy, Courtney, Alex, and I are city slickers who don't know how to pitch a tent, and Kitty's pregnant so she can't help right now. Sorry." She shrugged, but everyone could tell from the tone of her voice that she wasn't really sorry. Of course, neither was I; we got to watch the muscle flex! (*giggles*)  
  
Aragorn sighed and while the others pitched the tents the five of us who either didn't know how to or were pregnant, set up the camp site, ya know, where the fire and all that jazz goes. It wasn't that bad; we were all sharing tents with someone who knew how to set 'em up, except for Alex, but Gandalf ever-so-kindly decided to put his tent up for him. Humph, gay old wizard trying to get on Alex's good side; why?  
  
When all the tents were pitched (they were in a circle around the campfire), Aragorn lit a fire and we all sat around it.  
  
"So." Jack broke the silence. "Anyone know any good ghost stories?"  
  
"NO!!" Sam mouthed, made a cutting motion at her throat and shook her head.  
  
"No," everyone chorused. "Sorry."  
  
"I saw that, Carter," Jack said menacingly, leaning towards her.  
  
"I'm sorry, sir," she said innocently. "I have no idea what you're talking about." Jack just rolled his eyes.  
  
"Let's play 'Truth or Dare' and get drunk off our asses!" I suggested.  
  
"Sounds good to me!" Vanessa replied, breaking out the alcohol.  
  
"What is this 'Truth or Dare'?" Samwise asked.  
  
"You'll find out," Kitty laughed.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Chris.ty." Vanessa slurred a while later. "Tru.th.da.oh.pick!"  
  
"Trut.h!" I slurred back. I heard a bunch of giggles around the fire.  
  
"If you.couldhave.on.thingin.theworld." she fought to get out her question. ".what.would.itbe?"  
  
"Hmm." I thought and ended up falling into Haldir, who was seated next to me. He looked at me and Vanessa and muttered, "Drunk humans." He smiled as he helped me back up.  
  
"The.world!" I cried and added as an after thought, "and.everyman.init.tobe.myper.son.al.sex.slave!" I giggled insanely, joined by the other girls cackling along.  
  
"Ok." Jack declared. "That's.it! I'm.moving back.to.Edoras!" This brought more giggles from everyone. (A/N~ Not Edoras in Rohan, the world that he got trapped on in "100 Days", sorry for any confusion.)  
  
We were all still seated in our circle, but people had kinda migrated, forgetting entirely about the game. Sam was sitting next to Boromir, openly flirting; I doubt she would have done that if they hadn't both been inebriated. Pippin and Courtney had stopped talking and started making out, forgetting that they were in a public place. The other three hobbits looked pretty close to passing out. Nessa and Aragorn were a mix of Court and Pippin and the other three hobbits; they were making out but looked close to passing out. Teal'c was telling more Jaffa jokes, cracking up and then asking why Jack and Daniel weren't laughing. Jack and Daniel weren't listening to T, they were on the ground arm wrestling (Jack had finally convinced a very wasted Daniel that they should arm wrestle). Kitty and Leggy were watching them/talking while Kitty leaning against Legolas. Gimli and Gandalf were talking about who-knows-what (and who really wants to know?). Alex sat looking overwhelmed at what was happening around him. Haldir and I were snuggled next to each other while I fought to stay awake.  
  
Soon everyone looked like they were ready to fall asleep where they sat.  
  
"Who's taking first watch?" Jack, ever the military man, asked. (Here, Vanessa has volunteered in our notebook, and I quote, "Me! At Aragorn's arse!" *rolls eyes*)  
  
"Jack," Aragorn answered. "I'm the soon-to-be King of Men, Boromir is the Steward of Gondor, and Legolas is the Prince of Mirkwood. Do you think they'd really let us go off without a guard? Besides that, I'm a Ranger, Haldir is a March warden in addition to being an elf, along with Legolas; we'd know if someone was coming before they came/"  
  
"Ok," Jack agreed. "Sounds good."  
  
We all stood up and got ready to go to bed. Courtney didn't even stop to say good-night; she just dragged a still drunk Pippin into their tent.  
  
"Whoo! Court's gonna get some hobbit ass tonight!" I muttered so only Kitty and Vanessa could hear me because Daniel was standing right in front of us.  
  
"Yeah, well," Vanessa replied. "She can have him. I'd rather get some of this ass!" She grabbed what she thought was Aragorn's butt. Instead it was Sam's. (Don't kill me! It was all Kit's and Court's idea!)  
  
"Vanessa!" Sam cried and jumped away, looking at Nessie funny.  
  
"OMG!! I so did NOT mean to do that!" she tried explaining.  
  
"Sure, Vanessa," Aragorn said walking up.  
  
"I really didn't!" she said hugging him. "This is the ass I meant to grab!" She grabbed his butt hard to prove her point. She giggled as Aragorn whispered something in her ear and they started to walk away.  
  
I turned and started talking to Kitty and Daniel.  
  
"Hey, Daniel," Kitty said. "I forgot my book where I was sitting. Will you get it for me? It's right behind you."  
  
"Sure," he said and turned around to pick up the book. I pretended like I was gonna slap his bum, but (no pun intended) stopped short. Kitty had other plans though and hit my hand so that it impacted. I looked at her horror-stricken and ran off before he turned around.  
  
Daniel just as quickly whirled around and looked at Kitty, obviously afraid that Legolas had seen Kitty slap his butt.  
  
"I didn't do it!" Kitty protested. "I swear!"  
  
"Ok, whatever you say," Daniel told her, handing her the book before quickly retreating to his tent, afraid that he'd wake up with an arrow 'rammed up' his arse.  
  
.~*~.  
  
When I ran from Kitty and Daniel, I went looking for Haldir.  
  
"Hey hot stuff (Don't ask; I don't know)," I said coming up behind him.  
  
"Hey baby," he replied. "Whatcha doing?"  
  
"Nothing," I yawned. "I'm ready to go to bed. Which tent's ours?"  
  
"I'll come with you. I'm rather tired myself," he replied and led me to our tent where we promptly fell asleep.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Morning," Daniel greeted as Haldir and I walked into camp. He handed me a cup of coffee.  
  
"Thanks for the coffee," I said taking a drink. As I enjoyed my coffee I watched everyone else. It seemed Haldir and I were the last ones up, except for Alex.  
  
"That's not fair; if I have to be up, so does he!" I pouted and moved over towards his tent. "Hey! Alex! Get up!" I hit the side of the tent.  
  
"Uhhhh." was all I heard, but it didn't sound like Alex. "What's all the commotion out here?"  
  
"Brittany?!" Vanessa, Kitty, and Courtney squealed as our friend emerged from Alex's tent. "Where'd you come from?"  
  
"I don't know," she replied just as confused. "I went to bed last night and I woke up here."  
  
I looked into the tent. "And Alex is gone so you must have switched somehow."  
  
"Yea! We're all here and Alex is gone!" Vanessa cried and did her "squirrel dance".  
  
"Oh, great!" I heard Jack mutter. "Not another one of them!"  
  
A/N~ Sorry for the length, I don't know what the fudge I was on when I wrote this chapter. Guh! What possesses me to write long chapters? But I'm done! Whoo! The Truth or Dare question came from a quizilla.com quiz. Your turn, Ness. *tags her and runs off with Haldir*  
  
Princess Evenstar- I got the list of ways you know you've seen FotR too many times at stupidring.com. The exactly link Have fun! 


	8. Byebye Arwen!

Chapter 8: Bye-bye Arwen!  
  
A/N~ Ugh! I'm so not in the mood. Turn off the vacuum, mum! *Takes gun and shoots it* There, now I can sleep. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving, y'all! Even though my father ruined mine...  
  
A/N2~ I'm not really in the mood either. The net won't let me on so I'm typing. Woot! Go me! And yes, it says "Happy Thanksgiving". I told you we wrote (most of) this last semester. BTW this chap is a little bit AU. *coughs* Vanessa *coughs* Well, on with da fic!  
  
Me: *Steals Aragorn's sword (the big one!)* Lmuva esse le Squishy, a leuva namin, a lmura esse le Squishy! (I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine, and you shall be my Squishy!)  
  
Aragorn: You know, it's times like this I worry about her sanity.  
  
Boromir: Only times like this? *raises eyebrow*  
  
Aragorn: Ok, yeah, there's more times than this. Give me that! *tries to take the sword away*  
  
Me: NOOOOOO!!!!!!! It is MINE!! *cackles*  
  
Sunlight blazed all around me. It was so not cool. I mean, here I am trying to sleep and there's an annoyingly bright light. Wait, come to think of it, where was "here"?  
  
My eyes flicked open. I wasn't in my room. Where was I? Oww...and why did my head hurt so much? Ooo...hangover.  
  
Events from the night before flooded my mind. I even blushed at a few of them. Suddenly, I knew where I was. Go me! Camping...  
  
That's when I realized that I was not the only one in the tent...nor the "bed". The said person threw an arm around me. "You awake?" a manly voice mumbled into my ear.  
  
Mumble, mumble...who did I know that mumbled. Well, Mr. D. Ewww...but fortunately he was not in Middle-Earth. Come on, Vanessa, think!  
  
Aragorn! I turned over and looked the man in the eyes. "No." Ack! White light! White light! I buried my head into his chest. "Turn off the damn light..."  
  
He laughed. Can you believe it, he laughed at me. I mean, just because I'm not a morning person with a hangover doesn't mean you have to laugh...  
  
Twenty minutes or so later we walked together to the central camp area...thing. I was more or less fully awake, although thanks to my hangover I stumbled a few times. I should've known by now that me+mucho alcohol=bad mornings. Oh well.  
  
Seeing as how everyone was already at the central camp, I gathered that Aragorn and I were the last ones to wake. Heh, heh, what does that tell you? (Christy here; see, I told you it was AU. Hehe.)  
  
"'Morning," I mumbled to my friends as I grabbed some bacon from a skillet over the fire. Mmm...bacon: it does a body good.  
  
We sat around the fire in silence aside from the crackling of the fire. And it wasn't until Aragorn, who was next to me, made an odd gurgling noise and an oddly familiar female voice say, "I've got you!" that I was broken from my reverie.  
  
I turned towards my ranger and was surprised to see him being attacked/glomped/raped by none other then Arwen(ch). Oh, hell no, biotch!  
  
"I've got him, I've got him, I've got him!" she repeated in a trance-like state. It looked as if she was doing work for the devil...but I hadn't told her to do anything...  
  
Legolas expertly whipped his bow out in the blink of an eye and had it aimed at the woman. "Let him go, woman," he commanded.  
  
Arwen blinked. "NEVER!" she cried and hugged Aragorn, my HASRWANB, closer.  
  
"Vanessa...Legolas...help!!" he gurgled out.  
  
I turned to Legolas. "Shoot her! Go on, do it!"  
  
"I can't," he sighed. "She hasn't done anything actually threatening."  
  
"She's half-raping the future king of men!!! That's my job! Err...I mean, that's wrong. And besides, he's your friend."  
  
"Fine."  
  
(A/N~ OK, it's 3 am and still writing. Is that not wrong?)  
  
Legolas removed Arwen from Aragorn and did a hairflip. It was tres sexy. Oh, wait, Kitty'll kill me for saying that! I mean, it was a total turn off.  
  
"Aragorn! My love!" Arwen shrieked against Legolas's hold. "You love me! You loooooooove me!"  
  
"Woman, you're my sister (kind of); why would I love you like that?!" he retorted. (A/N~ And, I think, a very good point has been brought!)  
  
Christy jumped up from her place next to that yummy elf, Haldir. Oh, crap, did I just write that?! Heh, I mean, she jumped up from her place next to that sexy, yummy elf Haldir. "Let's kill her!!"  
  
"Sounds like a plan to me!" I quickly agreed. "Wait, how do we do it?"  
  
"These men are up to their ears in weapons, ladies," Daniel said. "I'm sure you can find at least one weapon around here."  
  
"The nerd's right," I said. "Aragorn, show me your sword!" (A/N~ I'm sorry! BreeGirls moment!)  
  
He drew out the long, shiny sword and warily handed it to me. "Don't hurt her too much; she is my sister."  
  
Yeah, yeah, yeah...  
  
*Swish!* *Clang!* *Whoosh!* Mwahaha! I had killed the evil Ranger/King/Not- yet-king raper! Go me!  
  
"Oh...OK, or you can do that." Legolas admitted.  
  
"Shouldn't we say a few words for her" Courtney asked. "I mean, she was royalty after all."  
  
I raised my hand. "Oh! I got something to say!" I cleared my throat. "Arwen Evenstar was evil. She also had some kind of incest fetish... Anyway, she had too much time on screen and stole Glorfindel's part. Therefore, I am glad she is dead."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Uh...amen?"  
  
.~*~.  
  
I sat down near the fire, felling quite happy about what I had accomplished. Now, Aragorn was free of Arwen, and Middle-Earth was rid of that smell that just wouldn't go away. Yay!  
  
It was then that I noticed the new addition to our clique. "Brittany?! What are you doing here?"  
  
"I have no idea," she replied. "I just woke up here. Now, where is that sexy man, Éomer? Are you holding him hostage, Vanessa?"  
  
"What?! I'm totally offended that you would even ask that, Brittany!" I ranted. "OK, well, I lied. Yeah, he's in my closet along with Elladan..."  
  
A/N~ Man, I hate to end it here since it's so short. But I wanna go start my new fic. It's gonna be an Éomer romance, but with a twist! Huh, don't all romance stories have that in their summary... o_O (Tehe!) Anyway, your turn, Christy!  
  
A/N2~ Yeah, she's got Elladan in her closet and I have Elrohir in mine! Hehehe! And yes, I believe practically all romances have that in their summaries! *Giggles* Yea! My turn! 


	9. and baby makes three!

Chapter 9: ...and Baby makes three!  
  
A/N~ Funny, in a screwed up way, considering that in my chap. I clearly state Haldir and I were the last ones up. And Britt was there before Arwen. Oh well, my chappie now. Mumble, mumble Mr. D. Hehe!  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Me: *singing* Et Earello Endorenna utulien. Sinome maruvan ar Hildinyar tenn' Ambar-metta!  
  
Aragorn: Hey! That's my song!  
  
Boromir: It's a federal offense to steal the king's coronation song, you know.  
  
Me: So? I'm the all mighty authoress; I can do whatever I want!  
  
Aragorn: *goes off to pout*  
  
Boromir: *glares at me*  
  
Me: *grinz*  
  
"Brittany," Aragorn said. "Éomer will be arriving soon for my coronation."  
  
"Yea!" she cheered, jumping up and down.  
  
"I think someone else is gonna be here for the coronation too!" Kitty yelped suddenly, holding her belly. "I think my water just broke!"  
  
Everyone sat there for a minute while the information sunk in. "Ah!" Kitty screamed. "Hurry up!"  
  
"Has anyone ever delivered a baby before?" Brittany asked quickly.  
  
Daniel hesitantly raised his hand. "I have." (A/N~ Remember? He has. He says he has in "Brief Candle" then he has to deliver that chick's, then he delivered Sha're's in "Secrets".) Legolas gave Aragorn a look that clearly said that he didn't want Daniel anywhere near Kitty, but agreed that Daniel had to be the one to deliver the baby as he was the only one with experience. While this was happened, I led Kitty over to a tent so that no one would have to watch the baby being born.  
  
"Legolas!" I shouted, breaking into his reverie. "Get your lazy arse over here!"  
  
He hurried over. "What?"  
  
"Get in there with her," I told him. "You're gonna get the shiz-it squeezed outta your hand. " He looked at me like he didn't believe what I had just said.  
  
"Leeeeeeeegggggoooooooooolllllaaaaaaaaasssssssss!" Kitty screamed.  
  
"Yes, honey?" he asked looking in the tent. Kitty grabbed his hand and started squeezing.  
  
"It huuuuuuuuuuuurts!" she groaned.  
  
"Daniel," I said. "You might want to hurry up."  
  
"Coming," he said absentmindently, trying to figure out if he had everything he needed. Evidently he decided he did because he disappeared into the tent, zipping the door up behind him.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" We heard Kitty scream. I flinched in sympathy. This had been going on for a while.  
  
"That sounded like it hurt," Brittany said, the same thing she said every time Kitty screamed.  
  
"Naw, really?" I asked sarcastically. "Sorry Britt. I didn't mean it."  
  
"It's ok," she replied.  
  
"OK, one more push," we heard Daniel say.  
  
""OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Kitty yelled...and a baby cried.  
  
"It's a boy! It's a boy!" Legolas came running out of the tent. He grabbed Aragorn. "I have a son! Estel, I have a son! He began jumping up and down.  
  
"So I've heard," Aragorn replied. "Congratulations."  
  
"What're you gonna name him?" Vanessa asked.  
  
"I don't know," Legolas replied thoughtful.  
  
"Leggy Jr." Brittany joked.  
  
"How bout we include Kitty in this conversation?" I asked pointedly and walked over to Kitty's tent. Daniel was cleaning the baby off while Kitty rested.  
  
"How do you feel, Cap'n?" I asked Kitty.  
  
"Horrible..." she moaned back.  
  
"OK, just checking," I giggled. "Britt's trying to name the baby 'Leggy Jr.'" Kitty raised an eyebrow at me. "Yeah," I said interpreting Kitty's look of 'Tell me it ain't so?'  
  
"Here, Daniel. Let me have the little one so Kitty can sleep," I told him as Kitty passed out. I carried the baby outside.  
  
"'Thranduil II'? 'Legolas II?'" Legolas mused trying to name the newborn.  
  
"Legolas," Courtney said gently, noticing my look of disbelief at his name choices. "Maybe you should wait until Kitty can help to name the baby."  
  
"OK," he agreed, looking at the baby I held in my arms and muttered to himself. "I have a son. A son...wow!"  
  
.~*~.  
  
"So, Kitty," I asked as I sat with her and the baby in her tent, "have you thought of a name for your son?"  
  
"I've been thinking but haven't come up with anything yet."  
  
"Well, you might want to hurry up so your elf of a husband doesn't name him 'Thranduil II'!" I shuddered.  
  
"Oh, for crying out loud!" we heard Jack yell while Daniel laughed when Legolas moved onto "Haldir Jr.", "Aragorn Jr.", etc.  
  
Kitty's face lit up in a grin. "Jack and Daniel crack me up. Hey, Jack...Daniel... You know, I always wanted to name a kid after everyone's favorite whiskey." She giggled. "'Jack Daniel'. Dude! I'm a genius!"  
  
I laughed with her. "I'm sure Leggo will love that. I'll go get him so you can tell him. Adios, Cap'n!"  
  
"Later!" She chucked a pillow at me.  
  
"Hey, Sir Elf-of-a-million-names (All the names that he's trying to name the kid; I confused Vanessa so I decided to clarify that)!" I shouted at Legolas. "Your wife wants to see you; she named the kid." Legolas eagerly jumped up and raced to Kitty.  
  
"What did she name him?" Nessa asked, temporarily stopping her "conversation" with Aragorn to ask.  
  
"Jack Daniel," I answered matter-of-factly.  
  
"Oh, boy," Courtney muttered. "I can just hear Legolas's enthusiasum at his son being named after alcohol."  
  
"It doesn't matter; she already made up her mind," I said knowing that Kitty is as stubborn as a mule (Sorry, Kits, but you are! ^.^).  
  
"But...but...honeybunches!" Legolas whined loudly. "I wanted to name him after my father."  
  
"Well you weren't here talking to me, so his name is Jack," she retorted.  
  
"But...but...fine," Legolas admitted defeat.  
  
"Yea!" Kitty cheered.  
  
"Whaaa!" (Little) Jack cried.  
  
"Oh, he needs a diaper change," Kitty said and shoved him at Leggy. "Change him Legolas."  
  
"Why do I have to?"  
  
"Cuz I've got to sleep. I gave birth today, y'know." She settled down into her nest of pillows and fell asleep immediately.  
  
"Uh...guys...help?" Legolas pleaded.  
  
A/N~ OK, long enough. Sorry it was so me-centered and meant to Leggy (he was soooo OOC, it was bad). I've had a really bad week; I had to take my frustrations out somewhere. Oh, and the kid's name was all Kitty's idea; great wasn't it? And elves don't have last names so neither does little Jack. I guess he could use Kitty's... Well, just review! Tell us what you think. 


	10. The Shiny Red Bow

Chapter 10: The Shiny Red Bow  
  
A/N~ I should be doing homework and reviews and works cited pages and sleeping...but I'm not. Oh, no. Haven forbid I should do something productive! *sigh* Well, here we go in Vanessa's POV.  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Me: Are you achin?  
  
Aragorn and Boromir: *unenthusiastically* Yum, yum.  
  
Me: For some bacon?  
  
Aragorn and Boromir: *still unenthusiastically* Yum, yum.  
  
Aragorn: Boromir, remind me why we're doing this!  
  
Boromir: *sigh* Because she threatened to make us wear pink, fluffy dresses and she just watched the Lion King. That's why. (I didn't do it though, so don't flame me, Mercury Grey!)  
  
Me: *cackles* That's right! Now sing! (I'm so sleep-deprived. Sorry!)  
  
"Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!" mini mini-me Jack cried/wailed as we made our way back to Gondor. The crying had been going on for close to an hour and I was close to the end of my patience.  
  
"Someone. Shut. That. Kid. Up," I said through clenched teeth. If you can't tell I hate kids. From birth on up to 7, I can't stand them.  
  
The crying continued.  
  
I looked back and saw that it was Gandalf holding Jack. "Well no wonder he's crying!" I sighed. "Gandalf, give the kiddo back to Kits; you're scaring the poor thing."  
  
The wizard looked hurt for a moment but then gave the child back to its mother. "If you ask me, I think the tears were that of joy."  
  
"Yeah? Well, my eardrums are tellin' me something different," I complained and rubbed my ears. Ugh, the ringing! The ringing!  
  
(A/N~ I made a new LJ friend! And she loves Viggo too! Yay!)  
  
It wasn't long until we had reached Gondor but with the crying of Jack (both of them, since Boromir hit Big Jack with the flat end of his sword for asking what his sword did. Tehe, dirty.) and the cold weather that had settled in, it seemed like forever. Plus, I was dying for a bathroom break.  
  
Boy Howdy was it cold. It only seemed that way to my Texas friends and I, I guess, because no one else seemed affected by the sub-zero temperatures. OK, so maybe I lied about the temperature. But when it's 700 in December, anything below and you grab a jacket. (A/N2~ Christy here. I must agree. The whole week of Christmas I wore shorts and was not the slightest bit cold. Kinda sad, really.)  
  
And oh, what I wouldn't give for one of those jackets right now... Stupid Gondor. Stupid cold.  
  
Finally we reached the palace-y place and I made a mad dash to the nearest restroom. There was no way in hell I was going to pee in a bush. Yuck, too many prying eyes.  
  
After I...um...relieved myself I went to my room (yeah, I was still by myself) to grab my only sweatshirt. Mmm...cozy. OK, back to reality, Vanessa.  
  
I wandered around aimlessly for about a ½ hour because quite frankly I had no idea where I was. Great, I was lost in the palace and had no idea where my friends were. Oh happy day!  
  
Two hours later  
  


* * *

  
"Where's Vanessa?" Frodo asked.  
  
"I dunno," Aragorn replied.  
  
"Who cares?" Christy asked.  
  
"Shouldn't we go look for her at least?" Boromir asked giving my "friends" odd looks.  
  
"Yeah, I'm glad you volunteered," Sam said.  
  
"Wait! I never said I wanted to find her."  
  
"Oh, OK then," Aragorn shrugged and the conversation ended. (A/N2~ And she says I write mean chapters about her!)  
  


* * *

  
I opened the next door on the hallway. Poking my head in, I called out timidly, "Hello?" No answer. I shut the door and moved on.  
  
This went for who knows how long. But, suddenly, I saw something that made my heart soar. Well...kinda.  
  
"Gimli!" I cried and sprinted after the dwarf who gave a girlish "eep!" and ran off. Natural sprinter, my ass! I caught up with him in no time and almost (key word) hugged the hairy man. "Do you know where the others are?"  
  
He coughed and pointed to a large door down the hall and on the right.  
  
"Thanks!" I called over my shoulder and half ran, half jogged to the door. Yay! I wasn't lost anymore! I threw the large, heavy, oak door and strolled in. Well, make that out.  
  
"Wait a second," I thought. "This isn't a room..." Then it hit me that Gimli had sent me to the wrong door; I was outside.  
  
CLUNK! The door slammed closed behind me. "Aww...crap." I tried opening the door but it wouldn't budge. "Well, this is just great."  
  


* * *

  
Gimli strolled back into the room wearing a satisfied smile upon his face. He sat down at one of the free chairs and continued to grin.  
  
Kitty leaned across the king table to whisper something to the dwarf. "Did you get rid of her?"  
  
"Yep," he said proudly. "And locked her out meself."  
  
"Excellent..." Kitty murmured in a slightly satanic voice and cackled. "Mwahahaha..."  
  
"Ye alright there, lass?" Gimli asked her.  
  
She cleared her throat. "Oh, yeah, fine," her voice back to normal. Kitty leaned back into her seat and smiled evilly.  
  


* * *

  
I had in my hands, the key. The one key that would grant me all my wishes and desires. Yes...it was "my precious".  
  
I held it up to the light for dramatic effect. Tehe, yeah, it looked the same.  
  
Shrugging I unlocked the door and walked in.  
  
Upon the bed lay Aragorn, son of Arathorn, in all his glory save a strategically placed shiny red bow. "Vanessa..."  
  
"Yes?" I asked softly.  
  
"Vanessa..."  
  
I sighed. "Yes?"  
  
"Vanessa, wake up."  
  
"But I am..."  
  
"VANESSA!"  
  
That's it, I was mad. If he wasn't going to be romantic...Then he disappeared; my king was gone!  
  
It was then that I realized someone was shaking me.  
  
I opened my eyes. "Aragorn!" I looked at his attire. "What happened to the red bow?!"  
  
"What?" he asked clearly confused. "Are you feeling alright, Vanessa?"  
  
"A bit sad that my shiny bow is gone, but all-in-all I think I'm good."  
  
"Good, the coronation begins in three hours. You still need to change and 'primp'."  
  
"I don't 'primp'; you should know this by now."  
  
"Just go get ready!"  
  
"I'm going, I'm going..." I mumbled.  
  


* * *

  
Wow, dresses aren't all that bad when they're not pink and frilly (*cough* Christy *cough*). Instead this time I had a hunter green dress that didn't have too many layers. It wasn't too bad, but I still didn't feel like me in it.  
  
A knock sounded from my door and I answered it. There stood Jack looking slightly afraid and nervous.  
  
"Can I help you?"  
  
"No, the man with the sword told me to take you to the coronation so you don't get lost."  
  
"Oh. Which man? 99% of the men here had swords." Honestly these men are so dumb.  
  
"The-the-the..." He thought for a moment. "The guy that hit me earlier. Borohero or something."  
  
"Boromir?"  
  
"Yeah, that one. He told me to escort you."  
  
"Oh. Do you know how to get there?"  
  
"No. You?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"D'oh!" he cried.  
  
A/N~ Your turn, Chrissie! It wasn't as long as I'd hoped but oh well. Tell me (us) what happens at the coronation.  
  
A/N2~ Well...you see Aragorn gets crowned King and OH! You meant in my chapter! Hehehe! Well, review! Please?! 


	11. Drink up me 'earties yo ho!

Chapter 11: Drink up me 'earties yo ho!  
  
A/N~ Well you should know what happens in the coronation because either you've seen movies or you've read the books, although they are *coughs* slightly different, therefore I won't go into much detail. BTW, I wrote this before I saw the movie so I was under the impression that the crown would have the wings on it like in the books; keep that in mind for later.  
  
Aragorn: I demand you stop this! I am the King after all.  
  
Me: *glarez* Not yet, you're not! And NO I will NOT stop!  
  
Boromir: Please? Pretty please with Haldir on top? *Shudders at the thought*  
  
Me: Hmm...while I must admit it is tempting, NOPE!  
  
Both: *make puppy dog face*  
  
Me: Not working! *Keeps reading Aragorn/Boromir slash* (Hehe! I couldn't resist! I thought it was funny! *Duckz rotten tomatoes thrown at her*)  
  
Haldir and I strolled to our spot where we were to stand for the coronation. I looked absolutely gorgeous as usual, I mean...Come on, I always look beau—  
  
Vanessa: *Coughs*  
  
OK, yeah, I looked as bad as usual, but I felt pretty! (*giggles*) Haldir had braided my hair in those awesome elvish braids and Legolas had done Kitty's hair for her. Neither of us really cared seeing as it's hair, but hey, whatever stirs their coffee. I was once again wearing a purple dress and Kitty had her green one, slightly paler than Nessa's. Speaking of Nessa...where was she? Oh well...the elves were all dressed up too; Legolas in his royal Mirkwood-ian grab, Haldir in all his marchwarden splendor. ^.^ Everyone else was standing with us in our designated area. Gim-Gim couldn't see from he'd been placed though.  
  
"You could have picked a better spot!" he grumbled.  
  
"Shall I describe it to you or would you like me to find you a box?" Legolas asked smirking. (OK, if you don't know where that's from you need help! ^.^)  
  
Gimli muttered something about 'elves and a fascination with boxes' loud enough for everyone to hear, obviously looking for a laugh. Didn't happen.  
  
"Where are Vanessa and O'Neill?" Teal'c asked, sounding concerned. Well, as much as he ever sounds concerned.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Jack..." Vanessa whined. "I think we're lost."  
  
"No, no," he replied. "We haven't been this way before, we're not lost."  
  
"I still say we should ask a handmaiden (*giggles* Ian... *giggles*) for directions," she re-iterated.  
  
"But we're not lost!" Jack retorted, trying to keep his ego intact.  
  
(A/N~ OK, I should soooooo be doing (Haldir!) my history review, seeing as it's worth ten points on my test but instead I'm writing.)  
  
30 minutes later...  
  
"See? I told you we weren't lost!" Jack said as he and Vanessa made their way into the courtyard.  
  
"About time you showed up," I teased Nessa. "The coronation is about to begin and look who showed up." I pointed in Brittany's direction.  
  
"I know Brittany's here!" she retorted.  
  
"Look who's standing next to her."  
  
"Oh. Éomer!" she cried. "Yea!"  
  
"Shhh! The coronation's starting," Haldir told us.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Éomer!" Aragorn cried after he was able to disentangle himself from both the crowd and Vanessa. The two men hugged briefly (it was a manly hug, thankyouverymuch!) and exchanged news from their respective kingdoms. While I was listening to them talk, I felt someone glaring at me. I turned around and saw that it was Haldir.  
  
"What's the matter?" I asked confused as to why he was glaring.  
  
"That was no very nice," he replied enigmatically.  
  
"What 'was not very nice'?" I asked again.  
  
"'Oh, look! I can fly! Think happy thoughts, Elessar!'" He quoted at me.  
  
"Hey! I muttered that under my breath, and you know that I'm a very sarcastic person!" I rolled my eyes! "I didn't mean it!"  
  
"You should show the King of Men the respect he deserves," he retorted. "Go apologize!"  
  
"NO!!" I yelled back and stormed off leaving him flabbergasted. (My volatile temper strikes again!)  
  
"That went well," Jack remarked sarcastically as he walked past Haldir on his way to talk to Sam (Carter).  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Can I help you?" Éomer asked, clearly unsettled by the blonde 15-year-old girl who had been staring at him ever since he had arrived.  
  
"No...I'm good..." Brittany replied dreamily.  
  
"That's...nice..." he said backing away slowly from the sky blue clad girl.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Aww, crap!" I muttered. "This isn't my room! I'm lost! Well, I guess I might as well try the next door."  
  
Well, the next door wasn't my room either! I sighed and sat down, tired from walking all over the castle.  
  
"Where am I?" I wondered aloud, then realized what the shapes around me were. "Eureka! I've found booze!" (A/N~ I'm really not an alcoholic, but I like acting that I a. I find it funny. *giggles*)  
  
With that exclamation, I found a tankard and started drinking. The fact that I was drinking alone coupled with the fact that I hadn't eaten anything in seemingly ever meant that I was quickly, and thoroughly, inebriated. And when I'm smashed I like to sing.  
  
"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.  
  
We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot.  
  
Drink up me 'earties yo ho!  
  
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.  
  
We extort, we pilfer, we filch and sack.  
  
Drink up me 'earties yo ho!  
  
Maraud and embezzle and even hijack.  
  
Drink up me 'earties yo ho!  
  
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.  
  
We kindle, we char and in flame and ignite.  
  
Drink up me 'earties yo ho!  
  
We burn up the city, we're really a fright.  
  
Drink up me 'earties yo ho!  
  
We're rascals and scoundrels and villains and knaves.  
  
Drink up me 'earties yo ho!  
  
We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs.  
  
Drink up me 'earties yo ho!  
  
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!"  
  
(A/N~ Damn that's a long song! A whole page in MS word!)  
  
"Christy?" I heard someone ask. It didn't register who until I turned around to face the door.  
  
"Oh...hi, Danny!" I exclaimed from my position on the floor. "How are you?"  
  
"Can't complain," he replied. "And I don't have to ask how you are; you're drunk."  
  
"Yep!" I affirmed happily. "Would you like some, Danny?" I offered the tankard to him.  
  
"No...no, thanks; that's ok," he responded and walked towards me. "Let's get back to your room." He reached down to help me up.  
  
"Ah, you're concerned about me!" I squealed (remember- I'm drunk; I act even weirder.) as he pulled me up. I couldn't get my balance after he pulled me up and I crashed into him. "That's shooooo sweet!" I kissed him. He stood there for a minute, but then returned the kiss. (Nessa says "*gasp* Bad nerd!" And I must agree, but more so, *gasp* Bad me! *giggles*)  
  
"Hmm...Haldir..." I moaned, causing Daniel to pull away.  
  
"Uh-oh!" he thought. "I hope e doesn't find out about this!"  
  
"Let's get you back to your room," he re-iterated. Daniel helped me back to my room and into my bed and promptly left. After he left I fell asleep waiting for Haldir to return.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Mmm..." I stretched and rolled over. "Hey, what are you still doing awake?"  
  
"Just watching you sleep," Haldir replied running his fingers through my hair.  
  
"Hmm...you enjoy watching me snore?" I asked raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Amin hiraetha [I'm sorry]," he whispered.  
  
"Me too," I whispered back and snuggled closer to him. "G'nite, Prince Charming."  
  
"G'nite, Sleeping Beauty."  
  
"'Beauty'? Ha!" I snorted and drifted back to sleep.  
  
A/N~ OK, definitely long enough. Probably too long. Too bad. I don't care. ^.~ Well, Nessie, your turn! *skips away humming "Feliz Navidad"* I enjoyed my early Christmas present to me! *giggle* Have fun! ^.~ 


	12. Houston, we have a problem!

Chapter 12: Houston, we have a problem!  
  
A/N~ But-but-but...I can't snuggle with a dirty, grungy, hott, sexy...*glomps Aragorn* ranger. But I sure as hell can do that! Tehe, in my POV.  
  
A/N2~ Naw, really I couldn't tell that it was in your POV! ^.~ Then that's what you get for having a *drools* ranger! Hehe! Guess what. After this chapter there are only 4 more chapters! *Gasp!*  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Me: *Falls asleep in Haldir's arms*  
  
Aragorn & Boromir: *wake me up* What's he doing in our disclaimer?!  
  
Me: He's here because 1) I say so, 2) I'm the All Mighty Authoress, and 3) I'm tired.  
  
Aragorn: But this is our disclaimer!!  
  
Me: So do the disclaimer!  
  
Boromir: They own only that which you don't recognize as the work of J.R.R. Tolkien or the property of Double Secret or Gecko Charmer Productions.  
  
Me: See, he didn't "steal" your disclaimer.  
  
Aragorn & Boromir: *pout* But he's not supposed to be here.  
  
Me: Oh, get over it! *goes back to sleep*  
  
"And did you hear what she said about your helmet? I can't believe her! Even though it is kinda gay looking," I rambled on. He glared at me and I replied, "But it looks good on you, babe."  
  
"I heard what she said, Vanessa," Aragorn sighed. "And why were you so late to the ceremony? I sent Boromir to escort you so you wouldn't get lost again."  
  
"Boromir, no; Jack, yes. We got kinda lost seeing as how we're both new here."  
  
"Jack? Why would I send him? I sent Boromir to do it."  
  
"Well, Boromir sent Jack to do it. And Jack'd do anything he tells him after the, ya know, incident while camping."  
  
"That's true," he mumbled (I'm obsessed with mumbling now!). He walked to his bedroom and went in to change while I waited outside (unfortunately).  
  
When he was back into his normal clothes we walked while I complained about Christy and her snarky comments during the ceremony (you know I love you, chica).  
  
Once I too had changed we went in search of the others. We weren't looking too hard, mind you, so it was all good.  
  
As we were walking we caught sight of Jack staring at some of the passing handmaidens. Wow, I never knew my good buddy was like that! I thought he only went after weird, wanna-be-guys women. Surprise, surprise! (A/N~ I can't stop staring at my Aragorn poster! Damn that man is fine! Also, I should be doing my W.History review.)  
  
.~*~.  
  
Darn my watch must be off. 3 am? No, no, no, 3 does not have an am. I'd have to have a little chat with these Wal-mart people in customer service about selling broken watches.  
  
Since I was up I decided to have a little look/see around the palace and see just how lost I could get myself today. Tehe, this would be tres fun!  
  
I crept out of my room (yes, I was still alone. I'd have to talk to the other author about that) as to not wake the others in nearby rooms. Wait, screw that, I don't care if they wake up too.  
  
Anyway, after getting myself thoroughly lost and very confused, I found the armory. Ooo...shiny, pretty swords! They were all so beautiful...  
  
I noticed a particularly large one hanging on the wall and walked over to examine it more closely. Hey, it looked a lot like Aragorn's sword (no, not that on!).  
  
It just screamed, "Vanessa, pick me up!" at me. So I obeyed and attempted to lift it. That biotch was heavy! It must have weighed at least 60 pounds!  
  
I stumbled backwards and tripped, dropping the pretty sword. It shattered into about 4 pieces. OK, how do they kill things with that if it breaks when I drop it? It's not like I threw it or anything...  
  
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit," was about all I could say. I mean, you just broke Aragorn's sword and what do you think about? Not fluffy, purple bunnies, that's for sure.  
  
I gathered up the pieces and placed them in a bag I grabbed from a shelf. "Oh shit," was still running through my mind.  
  
Miraculously I made it back to my room without too much trouble. Once inside I dumped the contents of the bag onto my bed and set to work.  
  
.~*~.  
  
The next morning at breakfast I was a zombie. I was unresponsive to just about everything and waited for Christy to finally wake up. I took a while but she finally decided to "grace us with her presence." (A/N2~ NO, NO, NO! I refuse to wake up!!! Waking is BAD!!!)  
  
I sprang from my chair and dragged Christy, who in turn grabbed Haldir, and went into the hallway.  
  
"Christy, I have a problem: I broke Aragorn's sword."  
  
"You see," she replied, "mortal men are too fragile, you can break them too easily. Now what did I tell you about--"  
  
"What? No, not that one! Sheesh, his sword! I was looking at it, and it was really heavy, and I dropped it, and it broke, and I took it to my room and I tried to fix it, and my glue wasn't very sticky, and..." I babbled on.  
  
"Vanessa, you broke his sword?" Haldir asked, exacerbated.  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
Christy smacked her forehead. "Vanessa..."  
  
"Well, I tried to fix it. Come with me and I'll show you."  
  
I led them to my room and pulled the sword out from under my bed. "Do you think he'll notice?" I asked, holding it up to them.  
  
"Oh, my God..." Christy sighed. "What have you done?!"  
  
.~*~.  
  
Aragorn said nothing. It was kinda unnerving to have him stare at me in such a way. He was mad. There's no other way to put it. Well, OK, furious would also be a good word.  
  
I sat at the other end of the table and played with the strings on my hoodie. Occasionally I would look up at him but he would still be staring. Angrily.  
  
"Look, I said I was sorry!" I whined.  
  
"It still does not give you an excuse for breaking my sword," he said, trying to stay calm.  
  
"Jeez, it's just a hunk of metal with a tip and handle! What's the big deal? Besides, there must be at least a hundred others in that room; go pick out another one."  
  
"It's not that simple, Vanessa! It was my sword!"  
  
"You men and your weapons," I mumbled. "I don't see what's wrong with it; I tried to fix it!"  
  
"This, Vanessa, is not fixed." He held up the sword. The shards weren't placed straight and Elmer's glue was seeping out of the cracks and spaces.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I can't fight with this!" he cried. "One, it would do me no good and break; and two, I would be the laughing stock of the soldiers!"  
  
"They wouldn't laugh; you're the king." He remained immobile. "Fine! I'm sorry, but there doesn't seem as though there's a lot I can do about it, now is there?!" I grabbed my stuff and stomped out. If he wanted to be a camel, he could do it by himself.  
  
I tried to make my way to my room but, yeah, I was lost again. "Dammit! They need signs up in this joint."  
  
Taking a left I walked along. At least it was a pretty palace and not some dark, dank castle; there was always something to look at.  
  
5 hours later...  
  
"Damn, I haven't seen another person in over 3 hours." I thought. It was getting dark outside and I was hungry. Not to mention tired, too. "Fooooood..."  
  
"OK, this is so not the way to my room. I turned around and made my way back. Humming the Jeopardy! theme song, the time passed by quite fast.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"It must be close to midnight," I thought. "I sure am tired." Hey, you would be too had you been lost for a good part of the day.  
  
Finally giving up, I lay down in the corner of the dead end (that was about all I was finding) and promptly fell asleep. It was no water bed but it'd have to do until I could find my room again.  
  
A/N~ Blah. I do seem to get lost a lot. My mom and I got lost the other day trying to get on the HOV lane. Heh! Anyway, what happens next, Christy?! Tell me!!!!!!! *leaves to go see Aragorn in ROTK*  
  
A/N2~ Hehehe! The Sword and glue thing was borrowed from Bored of the Rings. Only true way to fix a sword is with duct tape. DUH!!! *giggles* 


	13. Bad Elf Pun!

Chapter 13: Bad Elf Pun!  
  
A/N~ Eh, don't have anything to write here, so I'll go ahead and write the disclaimer.  
  
Me: I'm not feeling too good today so just do the disclaimer.  
  
Aragorn: Why? If you're not feeling good you can't force us to do anything!  
  
Me: I'll give you cookies.  
  
Boromir: *excited* Cookies? They own nothing! OK, can I have the cookies now?  
  
Aragorn: *poutz* No fair! I wanted the cookies!  
  
Me: Le Sigh. You can both have cookies! *throws them each a package of Chips Ahoy (which we don't own either)*  
  
"Vanessa," I sighed. "This is getting ridiculous."  
  
She stopped walking and glared at me. "I didn't tell you what to do when you and Haldir were fighting!"  
  
"That's cuz I stormed of before anyone could come near me," I pointed out.  
  
"True," she agreed. "But Aragorn's being a bastard. I said I was sorry, there's nothing else I can do! I even suggested getting it reforged again. I mean, it worked once, why can't it work again?"  
  
I shrugged. "But are you sure you wanna do this?"  
  
"Eh. Daniel's the only male that is available that I don't puke at the thought of, isn't already being crushed on (Boromir), and isn't too old (Jack)."  
  
Vanessa was wearing a very low-cut, revealing dress and was planning on "making Aragorn jealous". She had already arranged for Sam (Carter) to sit in her spot next to Aragorn (Sam readily agreed so she could talk to Boromir) and was all set to sit next to Daniel.  
  
We walked in and sat down Vanessa purposely sitting extremely close to Daniel. I rolled my eyes and started talking to Haldir and my friends. It was rather hard to concentrate on our conversation as Vanessa and Aragorn kept sending glares at each other and Vanessa was flirting with Daniel (or trying to; he was wary of us all after the incident with Legolas threatening with the arrow and me kissing him. Poor guy.) making Aragorn send death glares at Daniel.  
  
"All right! Enough of this shit!" I yelled, fed up with all the 'love' circulating the room. (Can you tell I'm not a happy burrito right now?) I grabbed Vanessa by the arm. "Haldir, Boromir, someone, grab Heir Boi and come on!"  
  
I dragged Vanessa down the hall to an empty bedroom and pushed her inside, Haldir pushing Aragorn in afterwards.  
  
"Now you two are to stay in there until you work this out! Do you understand?!"  
  
"Yes," Vanessa said sulking in the corner while Aragorn just nodded.  
  
"Here you go," Kitty said running up and handing Haldir and Legolas their bows and quivers while I closed the door.  
  
"Make sure they don't come out until they've made up boys," I instructed.  
  
.~*~.  
  
Vanessa and Aragorn stared at each other for a while doing nothing but glaring. When Vanessa thought that everyone had left, she walked to the door and silently opened it. Instead of an empty hallway she found two elves standing in the hall with arrows pointed at the door.  
  
"Damn," she muttered, shutting the door and sitting down in a nearby chair. She glared at Aragorn. "Well, apologize so we can leave." She waited a second. "Anytime now!"  
  
"Lilie n'vanima ar'lle atara lanneina [You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny]," he replied.  
  
"Alright! I have no idea what the hell you just said but I don't think it's an apology!" she screamed at him. "I wanna get the hell outta here so apologize so we can leave"  
  
"Auta miqula orqu [Go kiss an orc]!" (Nessa says "OK! *stalks Lurtz*" Typical Nessie! *giggles*)  
  
"Oh, hell naw! You did not just call me an orc!" she screamed and ran over and slapped Aragorn hard in the face, leaving a bright red handprint. He grabbed her arm, but instead of striking bad, kissed her passionately. Vanessa was surprised at first but decided, "Why the heck not?" and returned the kiss.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"OK, I think we can leave now," Haldir said looking at Legolas.  
  
"I agree, mellonamin [my friend]," Legolas replied and the two quickly left to find the rest of us. (A/N~ Merry Christmas Nessa! ^.~)  
  
.~*~.  
  
"All better?" I asked raising an eyebrow as Vanessa and Aragorn walked into the room.  
  
"Yeah," Vanessa replied, running her fingers through her very messed up hair. In fact, both Strider and Nessa looked rather rumpled; hair was everywhere and clothes were extremely wrinkled.  
  
"Aye, everything is indeed better," Aragorn mumbled as Vanessa sat on his lap.  
  
I rolled my eyes as Vanessa winked at me.  
  
"We could hear," Legolas commented dryly.  
  
"Sucks to be you," Jack retorted smiling.  
  
"Silence foolish mortal," Kitty joked.  
  
"Hey!" I cried. "That's my line!"  
  
"Aragorn, I'm 'tired'," Vanessa said leaning her head against his shoulder acting innocent. "Let's go to bed."  
  
"Why does Aragorn need to go?" Boromir asked suspiciously, looking up from his conversation with a certain blonde major.  
  
"Because I'll get lost on the way to our room," Vanessa replied simply.  
  
"'Our room'? Aragorn, you know that it is not proper for the King--"  
  
"I will decide what is proper for me and not proper for me, thank you," Aragorn replied. "I believe Aragorn, son of Arathorn, is King and not Boromir, son of Denethor, therefore I will decide what I can and can't do."  
  
"Score- Aragorn: 1, Boromir: 0!!" I whispered to Haldir who laughed and kissed me.  
  
"Yes, I believe we will retire now, Vanessa," Aragorn replied to her suggestion.  
  
"Goodie!" Vanessa said, feigning a yawn and grinning at me. "Cuz I'm soooo 'tired'. I don't know if I'll make it back to the room."  
  
I shook my head. "Just go already!" I said throwing one of my pillows at her. (Yes, we were all hanging out in Haldir's and my room. I forgot to mention that. Oops!) She giggled as she and Aragorn disappeared from sight. I sighed and leaned back against Haldir, fighting a (real) yawn.  
  
"We should probably go see little Jack," Kitty told Legolas. "We haven't checked on him in a while. I'm sure that nurse could use a break."  
  
Legolas nodded. "Farewell!" he cried I go to find the son!"  
  
"For crying out loud!" I said, mock-exasperated. "Kitty you've rubbed off on him, too much! He's making bad puns now too!" (A/N~ I was reading FotR last week and Legolas says on Caradhas, "Farewell! I go to find the Sun!" and I couldn't resist; sorry!) Kitty just laughed and left with her husband.  
  
One by one, occasionally two by two, everyone left, allowing me to finally sleep and Haldir to do whatever it is elves do (rest? Sleep? Kel'noreem?)  
  
A/N~ Can you tell I'm tired now? *Yawns* Sleep...where are you? Not here obviously; it's 2:25 in the morning and I wrote cuz I can't sleep. Y'know, I'm really spoiling Nessie. First I give her the RotK soundtrack for Christmas and now I write a nice chappie for her. See what sleep deprivation does to you? Well, later. Shall try to sleep now. ^.~ Mmm...Haldir... 


	14. Oh, look! A chipmunk!

Chapter 14: "Oh, look! A chipmunk!"  
  
A/N~ I should be working on my Boromir fic, but I'm not. Vanessa, you are such a slacker! Ugh! *hits head* And I'm in mucho pain right now. I have bruises on my arm and my earrings hurt when I touch them. I hope they're not infected. Wait, why am I talking about this?  
  
Me: Do the disclaimer boys.  
  
Aragorn: *Unenthusiastically* They own nothing.  
  
Boromir: *Also unenthusiastically* Well, nothing except themselves and their friends.  
  
Éomer: *Suddenly appears* Whoa, whoa, whoa, boys. Let me show you how it's done. *Enthusiastically* They don't own anything except for themselves and their friends! That, my friends, is how it's done.  
  
"Why are you still here, little one?!" Éomer cried as he opened his door to find a love-sick Brittany.  
  
His only response was more drooling.  
  
I happened to be walking by at the moment though and thought I'd try to be a good person (something I'm not!) "Brittany! Leave the poor man alone!"  
  
"But...he's so pretty!"  
  
"Yes, yes, m'dear, I'm sure he is, but I'm sure he'd appreciate it if you left him alone for a bit."  
  
"But-" she started.  
  
I felt like I was talking to a child! (Tehe, you know I 3 you Brit!) "No. Why don't you got change and we'll go get breakfast together."  
  
She thought about it for a moment. "Éomer too?"  
  
Éomer made wild movements with his arms trying to signal "NO!" but of course I ignored him. "Sure thing."  
  
"Yay!" she squealed and ran away, presumably to change.  
  
Once she was out of sight Éomer turned to me and said, "I hate you." Ouch, that's a blow to the ego. "I was so close to being rid of her, Vanessa, and you ruined it!"  
  
"Uhh...I'm sorry?"  
  
He sighed and retreated back into his room.  
  
I, on the other hand, headed to Brittany's room to deliver some very startling news: Éomer would never be hers. Oh well, he was kind of an ass.  
  
I knocked lightly on Brittany's door. When she answered I walked in and sat on the bed. "Brittany, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but, Éomer doesn't like you."  
  
"Yes he does," she replied. "He just doesn't know it yet!"  
  
"Uh...OK, sure."  
  
Breakfast was quite boring up until the end. Brittany finally decided that Éomer wasn't worth it and instead wanted Guard #47. She sprang from her chair and chased after him.  
  
After 5 minutes of playing with his fork, Éomer too jumped up from his chair. Only difference thought was instead of calling out, "Guard #47!" he cried, "Brittany!" Aww...how cute. *pukes*  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Hey, Christy," I said later that day from the library. "You know, we've been here close to a week and I still have not ridden a horse."  
  
She shared a look with Haldir and returned to her book. "Point?"  
  
"I wanna ride a horse, dammit!"  
  
"So go," Haldir sighed. "Nobody's stopping you."  
  
"It's kinda lame going by yourself though. I mean not to mention dangerous, but you would have no one to share jokes with, or laugh at if they fall off." (That's the only reason she wants me to go with her; Ms. I-ride- practically-everyday wants to laugh at She-who-can-not-remember-the-last- time-she-rode-a-horse! *.* )  
  
"Go ask Heir-boi or someone," Christy said.  
  
"He's doing 'kingly stuff' today."  
  
"Then ask Éomer, or Boromir, or Legolas even! They all know how to ride."  
  
I thought about my choices. "Well, Éomer is trying to win back Brittany, Boromir is kinda pissed about Aragorn telling him off, and Legolas is with the kid."  
  
"Maybe someone in SG-1?" Christy offered. "Or Faramir, or some random person..."  
  
"Ooo! Faramir! Now that sounds like fun. He's so pretty..." I lost myself in my thoughts of the many wonderful men Gondor had to offer. "OK, well I'm off...So you two can make out now!" I added as I fled from the library.  
  
I asked one of the passing handmaidens where 'Lord Faramir' was and headed off in the direction she pointed to. I guessed some of the "natives" would be appalled had I not called him by his title.  
  
Upon knocking on his door, a woman answered his door. Intrigued? You bet I was. "I'm sorry, I didn't know Lord Faramir had any company," I said.  
  
"No, no, miss; I'm only the maid," she replied. "Lord Faramir is bathing at the moment."  
  
Ooo...the dirty thoughts started to arise but I forced them back to the darkness from where they originated. "Would you mind if I waited for him? I have only one question to ask of him." My, my, my! Don't I sound all sophisticated?  
  
I sat upon the couch in his semi-mini-apartment (it was only missing a kitchen). I was in what I presumed was the sitting area. There were two doors on either end which I'm guessing were the bedroom and the bathroom.  
  
A few minutes later Faramir appeared from one of the doors donning only a fluffy, white towel around his waist.  
  
I let out a small 'eep!' of surprise and hid my eyes. I wanted to look oh so badly, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Darn my conscience. "Umm...hiya, Faramir!" I said ass cheerfully as I could.  
  
After receiving no sort of response, I moved my fingers a bit to see what he was doing. He was still standing there in the doorway in only a towel...  
  
"Vanessa, what are you doing in my room?" he asked, quite amused at the position I was in (fetal position).  
  
"I just wanted to know if you would go riding with me seeing as how I don't like going alone and no one else is free," I babbled. "Umm...Faramir, could you please put some clothes on?"  
  
As if realizing for the first time that he was half naked, he hurried into his bedroom. "Hold on, I'll be out in 10 minutes then we'll go riding."  
  
"Thanks," I said meekly. I don't know why, but I was feeling guilty about being in Faramir's room. Why?! I wasn't doing anything. I swear my conscience is out to destroy me.  
  
Faramir emerged from his bedroom all clean and spiffy-looking. And yes, sorry ladies, he was clothed. I know, I know, I'll open up my inbox and I will find nothing but hate letters.  
  
Anyway, moving on, I still had to actually find a horse. Silly me, I though there would be an extra horse or something I could use. When I told this to Faramir he replied, "This isn't Rohan."  
  
Well, excuse me! So I had to find Aragorn and ask, OK, tell him, that I was using his horse.  
  
I made it to the barn after asking/telling Aragorn about his gorse and joined Faramir who was busy taking up his horse. I too set to work (because yes, I do some work) getting the horse ready for myself.  
  
"So where are we going exactly?" I asked once I had gotten on the gigantic horse. He sure was a lot bigger than my horse and that's sayin' something!  
  
"Anywhere you want to."  
  
"I just thought, you know, around."  
  
"Gondor is a large country, milady," he stated.  
  
"Blegh! Let's just go."  
  
.~*~.  
  
It was dark when Faramir and I returned to the stables. All-in-all the ride had been fun, except Faramir was constantly showing me how much better a rider he was. Grr...  
  
"Oh look! A chipmunk!" I laughed while my companion just scowled at our new inside joke.  
  
"Alright then, who am I?" He imitated me hitting a low hanging branch and falling off the back of the horse. He ducked a blow I had aimed at his head.  
  
As we neared the palace I saw that Aragorn was waiting impatiently. "Where have you two been?!" he cried. "Faramir, I've had Éowyn breathing down my neck as to your whereabouts."  
  
"I told her I'd be back!" he sighed.  
  
"Where did you two go?" Aragorn asked as we walked inside.  
  
"You're asking me? I have no idea where I am at the moment. As if I knew where I was earlier..." I scoffed.  
  
.~*~.  
  
"Come on, Danny boy!" Jack begged at breakfast. "I just wanna borrow it for this morning."  
  
Daniel shook his head and continued eating his meal. "Just like how you borrowed my book on Ancient Egypt and used it for a dart target? No."  
  
"Well, it had that picture of the mummy that just screamed, 'hit me!' And anyway, I promise I'll give you a new and better one when we get home. Danny...please?"  
  
Daniel sighed and nodded. "Alright but I better get another one when we get back! I'll just add it to your tab..."  
  
"Thanks Daniel, I owe you one!" the older man shouted as he ran out of the room.  
  
.~*~.  
  
Kitty burst through the doors. She wore an angry scowl on her face that just screamed, "Lemma alone!" She took an empty chair and sat down.  
  
"Uhh...something wrong?" Courtney asked her friend.  
  
"I just finished talking with Legolas."  
  
I thought about this for a moment. "Umm...urg! That would make me mad too! Damn elf."  
  
"No, no, no. We talked about what to do with Jack. I'm still taking him back home but that elf is trying his hardest to keep him here."  
  
"So stay here!" I said. "Be a stay-at-home mom, watch Oprah, get real fat, and be obsessed with soap operas." There was silence. "OK, it was just a suggestion."  
  
"Leave Legolas then," Christy supplied. (Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up! I said WHAT? NO!! I would NEVER suggest doing that!!)  
  
"That's a horrible idea!" Courtney cried. (It IS!!)  
  
"Well, I dunno; I think it could be plan B," I said.  
  
"The kid's coming with me and I don't care what he says," Kitty stated.  
  
A/N~ OK, 'nuff here. Sorry it sucks. I always hate these random chapters that have nothing interesting in them. *bangs head on door with Aragorn poster and drools* Wow, this is my longest chapter in this whole spiral...  
  
A/N2~ And my chapters are always like 5 or 6 pages in the spiral...I should write less. Oh well. Review and tell Nessie what you think!!!!!! 


	15. Haldir a Communist

Chapter 15: Haldir—a communist?!  
  
A/N Soooo tired! And chem. is soo boring! And I would NEVER suggest leaving Leggy! Bad Nessie! . I like exclamation points! Whee! giggle Go me! . Oh, and Ness, I added a part as I typed this b/c I realized I didn't do anything about whatever it is Jack borrowed from Daniel in your chapter. Ok, enough.  
  
Disclaimer: We own nothing you see below.  
  
"Oh, well!" Kitty said, suddenly changing her mood. "I'll convince him later! Cap'n Kitty will prevail!"  
  
"Ooookay," I said. "Moooving on. Did you have a nice ride?" I asked as Vanessa put her ice pack back on her fore head (from when she hit the branch).  
  
"Oh, lovely," she replied sarcastically. "And Faramir's an ass. Had to constantly make sure that I knew he was the better rider. Now I'm glad I didn't ask Éomer to ride with me, Mr. I'm-King-of-Rohan-and-have-been- riding-all-my-life!" At the mention of Éomer, Brittany's head popped up.  
  
"What about Éomer?" she asked with an innocent enough tone, but her face said, "Back off biotch! He's mine!"  
  
"I ain't got nothing," Vanessa replied. "But what about you, Britt?"  
  
Brittany grinned. "Well...he's hott!"  
  
"Yes, yes, we know that one! Anything else?" Kitty asked quoting Barbossa from PotC.  
  
"And he's so cute when he's chasing you trying to get you to love him." She grinned even wider. "I don't know how much longer I can string him along. Besides, Guard #47 is married. Can't say I'm too upset; I've got Éomer!!" We all giggled.  
  
..  
  
(A/N Now I have no clue what to do! Arg! So we're gonna eat! .)  
  
"Come on, A'maelamin," Haldir told me. "Dinner starts in five minutes."  
  
"Meh," I replied. "I'm tired. I'll go however fast I feel like." I slowly got up from my chair. "Need caffeine boost."  
  
Haldir retrieved me a coke from my stash. "You can drink it on the way there. Come on."  
  
"Communist," I muttered. "Can't even drink a Coke in peace."  
  
"That's right," he teased.  
  
I just grumbled and drank my coke the rest of the way there.  
  
I sat down in my usual spot only to be sickened. Brittany and Éomer were sitting not too far away cooing 'sweet nothings' at each other. Blegh! Romance? At dinner? That's just wrong!  
  
"Get a room," I mock-shouted at them, just trying to get them to stop. Dinner is my time with the 'food god' and I didn't want it interrupted by puking from listening to them. "There is a time and a place for romance and neither is here or now. Eat! Or the food god shall be angered!" I sat back down and proceeded to worship the 'food god' the best way I know how: eating!  
  
"Caffeine withdrawal," Vanessa explained, seeing the stares I was getting.  
  
"And sleep-deprivation," I added (both are true!). I finished eating and excused myself. "I'm going to sleep! See all of you tomorrow!"  
  
..  
  
(Attention!! New part added here!!)  
  
Jack ripped another paper out of Daniel's notebook and wrote a short note on it. He giggled and left, leaving the note in plain sight.  
  
..  
  
Kitty walked along the passage, trying to calm herself before another verbal sparring match with Legolas over who little Jack would stay with.  
  
She looked down noticing a torn piece of lined paper, a rarity in Gondor. Picking up the paper, she looked around to see if someone had recently dropped it. Seeing no one she couldn't help but read it. The note was written in a straightforward hand and was right to the point. "Rum—this way!!!" it said with an arrow pointing in the direction she had been walking.  
  
"Rum!!! That's the ticket!" she cried and headed forward. She found another note, similarly written, a few feet ahead. She followed this trail to a door that looked, well, like every other door. She opened said door to find...Legolas!!  
  
"Leggy...honey...what are you doing here?" she asked.  
  
"I found a trail of notes saying, 'Miruvor—this way!!' I decided that some miruvor sounded nice right about now, so I followed. What are you doing here?"  
  
"I found the same notes except they said 'Rum!!!'" she replied. "I wonder who wrote the notes, because I see no rum!! Whoever it is, they're walking the plank next time I see them!!"  
  
"We wrote the notes," Jack said as he and Sam stepped into the room. "We heard you two fighting earlier and mentioned it to Aragorn. He suggested this. And, Carter, you owe Daniel another journal."  
  
"Why me?!" she demanded looking outraged.  
  
"Because you might actually pay him back," Jack replied looking innocent and left.  
  
"But, sir!!" Sam cried running after him.  
  
Kitty and Legolas shared a look and set about settling the baby issue. (End new section. Yea!! .)  
  
..  
  
I awoke the next morning to find Haldir gone.  
  
"Damn that elf for being a morning person!" I muttered, stumbling over to my junk food and cokes. "Mmm...ding-dongs and coke for breakfast. I'm such a health nut!" I rolled my eyes.  
  
After I finished my oh-so-healthy breakfast (I'm not a conventional breakfast person). I decided to find Haldir for 2nd breakfast. "I'm such a hobbit," I muttered, amused, to myself. I finally found him on the archery field. I being the non-morning person I am, therefore not thinking, decided to sneak up on him using the Kitty approach.  
  
(A/N I'm sorry if this gets mushy and stuff but I've had a really bad day (and it just started) so I might get mushy. starts crying)  
  
I "snuck" up behind Haldir ready to pounce and—  
  
"Don't even think about it," he warned before letting his arrow fly. Perfect bull's eye, of course. "So you finally decided to get out of bed, hmm?"  
  
"Not really; the sun didn't wanna let me sleep anymore," I complained. "Make her got away!"  
  
"Sorry, not that all-powerful," he said sarcastically.  
  
"Darn," I muttered as I closed my eyes and leaned against him. "I guess I'll forgive you for not being all-powerful, this time."  
  
"Why, thank you," Haldir said mock-serious.  
  
"Shut up and kiss me," I taunted (I told you-bad day).  
  
"Your wish is my command." He set down his bow that he still held and took his quiver off and did as I "commanded". Ooo...yummy elf kiss. I didn't mind being awake so much anymore.  
  
"Better?" he asked.  
  
"Much." I smiled at him. "You know what you could do that would make it even better?"  
  
He looked shocked. "Here? Couldn't we at least go inside?"  
  
"Wha--? Oh!" I realized what he meant. "Not that! At least not right now. I meant that you could teach me archery."  
  
"Oh," he looked chagrinned and a little disappointed. "Then let's find you a bow and some arrows."  
  
"Yea!" I mock-cheered, hoping the search wouldn't take too long.  
  
We quickly found and borrowed, oh stole, Faramir's bow and quiver and began our lesson.  
  
..  
  
(OK! 'Nother new part!)  
  
"Here Daniel," Sam said as she handed him a red leather bound book.  
  
"What's this for?" Daniel asked as he looked at the book.  
  
"Colonel O'Neill asked me to give it to you," Sam replied, trying not to grimace while lying to Daniel. "Aragorn um...gave it to the colonel and he decided that since he owed you a journal, here it is; a genuine Gondor journal."  
  
Daniel grinned at her and thanked the major before marveling at the craftsmanship that went into the book. Sam grinned back and left, hoping Aragorn wouldn't notice the missing book until after SG-1 left, provided they find the DHD anytime soon...  
  
A/N OK, I think I should stop so I can give this to Nessa before the weekend. Have fun, Ness, and get your Aragorn lovin', but not too much! This fic is NOT rated NC-17!! giggles crawls back into bed (to sleep!!!) Later! . Don't forget to review!!  
  
In Tolkien's writings the sun is always considered to be female. 


	16. Many Partings

Chapter 16: Many Partings  
  
A/N I forgot SG-1 was supposed to be in here! My bad....And why can't I get any Aragorn lovin'? It's my fic too! pouts I'm gonna do it anyway, ya know. Anyway, last chapter, so be happy! Oh, and Christy, it's too hard for me to read RotK with that big ball of sex on the cover! At this rate I'll never finish!  
  
A/N2 I didn't say no Aragorn lovin'; I said no NC-17 Aragorn lovin'. There's a difference; not much of one but one just the same. Yep it's hard reading that book with Viggo on the cover and I thought that we agreed, for Lindsey's sake, he was a rectangular prism of sex! .  
  
Disclaimer: We own nothing.  
  
"Éowyn!" Faramir called. "Have you seen my bow and quiver? I could have sworn I left them in here!"  
  
"No dear," she replied cheerfully (it's all fake, I swear!).  
  
The strong, sexy, gorgeous captain scratched his head in confusion. Then, as if a light bulb suddenly flicked on, his face let up in realization. "Vanessa!" (A/N2Yeah, cuz you know, they do have light bulbs in Middle- Earth! rolls eyes)  
  
..  
  
Someone banged rather harshly on my poor door later that afternoon. "What, what, what?" I asked as I opened it.  
  
"Give me my bow," Faramir said in a mock-growl.  
  
"Oh, hi, Faramir, nice to see you too. Yeah, I'm doing good," I replied. Honestly, I mean, no manners at all. He comes banging on my door and I don't even get any sort of friendly greeting. Butthead.  
  
"I know you have them in here somewhere." He started to walk in and search for himself.  
  
"Hey, hey, hey! Don't come in here!" I complained.  
  
"A-ha! So you do have them!"  
  
"What? No I don't. Why would I take them anyway?" He reached up and flicked the bruise on my forehead. "Oww!" I cried. "Jerk!"  
  
"Revenge, m'dear..." he laughed. "Now let me in; I want to have a look around for myself." (A/N2 Knowing what comes next, I must say "voyeur!!" OK, I'm better now.)  
  
I hurriedly blocked the doorway preventing him from entering. "No!" I looked towards the bed at the lump under the covers; a foot was peeking out and I swatted at it.  
  
Faramir pushed me aside and started going through all the clothes that were tossed on the floor. (A/N No, no, no! Not like that! I'm just a messy person!) "I know it's in here somewhere," he mumbled under his breath.  
  
I sat down on the bed and thwacked the "lump". The lump in turn hit me back and whispered, "witch."  
  
"Bastard."  
  
"What was that?" Faramir asked and popped his head up. I could feel the lump shaking with silent laughter and hit it again.  
  
"Nothing, nothing," I sighed. "Are you almost done here yet?"  
  
Faramir stood up and took one last look around. "I don't know where you're hiding it, Vanessa, but it's hidden quite well."  
  
"That's because I don't have it!"  
  
..  
  
"Oh, so that's how it's done!" Christy said flirtatiously. "You're so manly and strong! And not to mention talented in the art of archery." (Damn, I'm pouring it on strong, aren't I? I hope I don't sound like that in real life!)  
  
"That's not all I'm good at," he said raising his brows. (Really? Cuz you suck at chess, buddy! Light clicks on over head AH!! Gotcha!! And I don't feign innocence; I am innocent! If you believe that I'm the Queen of Sheba! .)  
  
"Really?" she asked, feigning innocence. "Tell me more..."  
  
..  
  
"Alrighty, campers!" Jack said cheerfully as he approached his team members. "We're going home in one hour, so pack it up and let's get outta here!"  
  
Sam looked up from whatever mathematical thing she was working on and looked alarmed. "What?! But I haven't--" She sprang from her chair, knocking it over, and ran from the room.  
  
"What was that about?" Daniel asked.  
  
"I believe she had some business left unfinished with a Captain Boromir, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said calmly.  
  
..  
  
One hour later Jack was knocking on my door. "Have you seen Carter anytime lately?" he asked.  
  
I looked confused (and I was). "No..."  
  
"Try Boromir's room," the lump said.  
  
"Boromir's room?" I asked. "Why would she be in there? She has her own room, doesn't she?" Aragorn gave me a black stare. "What?...Oh! Oh, my gosh!" I hit my head repeatedly while mumbling curses at myself.  
  
"Right..." Jack said and walked to the next door over. Knocking on it he called the blonde major. "Carter, are you in there? It's time to go!"  
  
Sam emerged from the room looking rumpled (my new favorite word!) and laughed. "Yeah, I'm ready. Bye Boromir."  
  
I poked my head out the door and saw that both of them were rumpled. "Bad Pincushion Boi!"  
  
"Why do you insist on calling me that?!" he cried.  
  
..  
  
SG-1 was gone. It was quiet, even though we didn't interact with them very much. "I miss my buddy!" I wailed.  
  
"Come, come, come," Gandalf ushered us all into a circle. "Today is a day of many partings."  
  
"Wait? Are we leaving now?!" I asked.  
  
"Duh, Nessie," Christy sighed.  
  
"But-but-but...I don't wanna go! Can I at least take Aragorn with me? He's so cute and fluffy!" I patted his head to prove my point.  
  
"Vanessa, there is no way you are taking the King of Gondor home with you," Boromir said.  
  
"Why not? You'd get to play king for awhile," I retorted.  
  
"On second thought, Aragorn, you need a vacation; you work much too hard."  
  
I grinned and Christy smacked my head. "He's not going with you." (Why NOT?! glares at fic self)  
  
"But look at him! He's like a little puppy dog!" I cooed and squeezed him around the middle. "Oh, fine, you can't say I didn't try though."  
  
"Alright my children of the darkness!" Gandalf called. "I mean, err...oh just get over here!" He gathered us in a pentagon shape and in a flash of purple we were gone.  
  
I landed hard on the ground facing the sky. "Dammit, I didn't get my puppy!" I cried.  
  
Christy hauled off and hit me (again). "He's not a dog, Nessie."  
  
"I know, but he could've lived in the Dogloo we have outside and would've been happy. Nessa saaaaaad!"  
  
This time Kitty hit me. "Shut up, Vanessa."  
  
A/N Oh me, oh my! This is no hour to be up writing bad fanfiction. Well, thus ends fic #6 is it? Aww...I really am sad! Anyway, it's been fun!  
  
A/N2 Yep this one's all done! And I will update as soon as the stupid internet lets me on! glares at internet Well, I guess I could start typing #7. OH! I'm on! Yay!! 


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